grrr.

my shit list is steadily increasing. but don't worry! you're still number 1.

january ? toronto

I can't decide if this is heaven or hell.
The walls keep closing in and we're running out of space,
but you're pretty cute.

names i like for my future children.

I know I can't wait to have children.
I always have wanted to be a mommy.
I always wished I could talk to animals or even just one kind of animal like a horse whisperer. I seem to have lucked out and and I'm able talk to babies and toddlers. I'm a magnet. When I pick up the kids form daycare, I wait by the toddler playpen and they all crawl across it to reach towards me and smile at me. i love it.

this is me planning ahead: but I've got a lot of time to think about it.

HEATH
miles
max
leo
serena
kennedy
dawson
apolis/apalis
bennet
marshall
ava
sophia
hayden
isabelle
aidan
ethan
madison
olivia

peptalk.

nm: I honestly want to fall in love so many more times before I decide that's it
nm: I want more heartbreak.. I want to know everything I don't want and can't have before I pick the one
nm: You can do this

sj: I know I can, it's so hard to really see that and believe that right now.
nm: You are a brillant human being.
nm: And I thought that about you before, during, and always will even after J.

4 AM RAMBLE

semi-formulated feelings.
unexpressable needs.
jealousy holds love's hand
in a vice-like grip.
every bone broken in seperation.
my hands are broken.
what's left of them are yours to hold.
be gentle though.
I swear I'll intertwine my fingers around yours honestly.
my cameras broken.
or I'd take pictures of my fingerprints so you can put them all over you.

i still don't have my class schedule right.

hallway sitting.

all alone in silence.
screaming in my head.

writhing in my body.
wishing someone could hear me. see me.
body to the cold lenolium.
halls of white everlasting.
twisting & turning.
rat in its maze looking for the prize.
no prize in sight, just failure's scent in the air.

here comes my professor.

cat scratch fever

beware of logic. it is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.

so this is the new year.

"You can't find nothin at all is there was nothin there to start."

"You touch her skin & then you think: yeah she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."

"I want to be your love
I want to make you cry
And sweep you off your feet
I want to hurt your pride
I want to slap your face
I want to paint your nails
I want to make you scream
I want to braid your hair
I want to kiss your friends
I want to make you laugh
I want to dress the same
I want to defend you
I want to squeeze your thighs
I want to kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams
I want to crash your car
I want to scratch your cheeks
I want to make you sick
I want to sell you out
Want to expose your flaws
I want to steal your things
I want to show you off
I want to tell you lies
I want to write you books
I want to turn you on
I want to make you come
200 times a day
I want to dry your tears
Every time you're sad
I want to be what's happening
I want to be your only friend
I only go all the way
I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head
I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything
I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things
I want to help you grow
Until for eternity
I want to be your what's happening."

christmas?

Its cold creeping into my veins.
Its warmth stolen from my extremities.
The white powder isn't intensifying my heart beat. 

No electric jolts. No feelings foreign.
But its everywhere. Everywhere.
Its on my hands.
Its on my face.
Shake to get it off me.
Its on the ground.
Its falling from the sky.
I hate it. I hate it.
Tis the season.

buzz kill.

I've been dying to talk to someone all day,
I'm just not sure if it was you.

it's no different.

"If you're so very entertaining
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?
i know, 'cus tonight is just like any other night, that's why you're on your own tonight."

it's really over.

i loved you.
whole heartedly.
I swear I'll never come back and delete this no matter how nasty you are to me.

suffocation:

but the tighter we squeeze, the less we have to hold onto.

i write

i sing
i smile
i laugh
i cry
i joke
i dance
i call
i say
i am
i help
i answer
i ask
i look
i do


but
i'm no good at being alone.

all I want is:

cardigans, cocktails, & baked brownie baking with miss nina. we did that around this time last year.

or was it the year before?

why did we ever stop?

snow.

"this was not a faerie tale. 

this was not the movies. 

this was life. 

it hurt more. 

it was excruciating. 

it was excruciatingly beautiful."

pow.

there's commercials in my head.
when the fuck does the sitcom start
I'm already sick of winter and it's barely started.
I need to get out of here.

bare bones

the winter so cold your bones feel like rods of ice ready to crack.

no more fields lit up with green electric sparks that you try to catch & wear them in your hair, the fireflies are dead.

no more sugar sweet sunshine-y days soaking in natural warmth, drinking lemonade, donning sunglasses & a tan.

no more bonfires, wearing a hoodie to fend the weak evening chill, where peoples faces dance in the flickering, spooky, light, luke warm beers clutched in hand, & cameras in the other. midnights followed by adventures in the comfortable air with the windows down, music loud, & mini skirts riding higher than they should.

now big, cold, sparkling glass windows revervberate with drum beats from indoor havens. hidden in layers, skin barely touches, hugs seem impersonal in down, wool, & gortex. 67843278943 pairs of uggs (UGGHHHs / ugglies ) shadow the sun.

this stupid season is a weird, cold, power machine. closes me like a fortress & nothing can open it. its a physical sensation in my chest. a hardening & heaviness, wood planks & metal locks. it frightens me more than anything anyone has ever done to me.

I'm a girl with a mind like a miniature movie theater, & the winters always dark & lonely.

I hate it.

i emailed this to myself last year

mst days, hard drugs, long drives, and tmail.

We couldn't find the volu.me.

Oh no I lost my ciggartes I dint put them in my safe spot. Oh I put thrm in my pocket... My even safer spot.

Talking to aliens.

Bitchin. <3brkr.>

haha i love us.

Life would be perfect if

sweatpants were sexy,

bra's weren't irritating,

clothes could be washed all together,

dating was casual,

you never got wedgies,

cars never broke,

hair never needed trimming,

monday mornings were fun,

waking up early wasn't so hard,

you could trade your clothes in for more than 15% bull shit percent of what you paid for them at plato's closet,
people didn't freak when you crush and snorted pills,

junk food didn't make you fat,

coffee didn't make you have to piss your pants in 5 minutes,

girls didnt cause drama,
weed wasn't so expensive,
you could never eat too much shrooms,

friends never lived far,

plane tickets weren't expensive,

strangers always smiles,

boys werent confusing,

nothing was regrettable ,

garlic didn't make your breath smell so bad,

and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow...

my wish preferences.

on pink cars are good, especially old ones. 

share wishbones. 

pull knotted straw wrappers with friends. 

and stars of course, first stars and shooting stars. 

planes will do if they are the first light in the sky and look like stars. 

wish in tunnels, over bridges, & railroad tracks holding your breath and lifting your feet off the ground. 

wish before you scratch off lottery tickets or pull the lever at the slot machines. 

wish before picking hands held behind backs for hidden surprises. 

before the last second of the sun setting. 

birthday candles. 

baby teeth. 

11:11. if i catch it that is. 

backwards necklaces. 

stray eyelashes. 

silent prayers. 

dreams. 

desires. 

wishes are the most wonderful when they finally come true.

i've GOT to keep wishing.

it's bound to come true sooner or later.

saved this.

" It took me let's see...almost 4 hours today, to stop acting liek a bitch.
 We all know stress is obnoxious and unhealthy...not to mention realllllly fucking annoying. I kinda forgot though that it is always a *choice*
 ...ya, let's not make that mistake again :P
 So anyways, its 7:48 and my nutz is hangin'
 SKINNNY where you at@?!?! :p lol
 [inside of me...MURDER Mix] fucking sick song p.s. and french is sexy
 The sun was out today [thank you]
 Tiesto in like a month with the3 crew [trouble ;)]
 Ummm what else, Tasha is a hottie (someone tell her that :P)
 and I just looked into the sun's eyes...he says what up.
 BE REAL, focus not on the external and have lots and lots of unprotected sex with as many attractive people as you possibly can...it gets you closer to god or whatever you call that. and "Bitch, stay off that blow!!!"
 ;)
 --No Hay Igual"

IZ

JJ - 4AM

$$$$$$$$$$ and cock = coke
Jj and sj = love 4 ever
Cock & jj = hot pleasure with crabs
crabs & jj = pain with lotion to smooth the babies
And if this isn't the funniest text uve gotten...... please, let me know how to improve. Ily.
CHRCK UR VOICEMSIL RIGHT NOW

:D

astrovanstarship: shred hard little waverunner, shred hard.

like, really know you.

I want to get to know people more. real life. real people.
as i type on an internet blog. HA.
look for me.
bringing back the hardy handshake one shake at a time.
I want to meet you.

Got a mouth full of blood.
Don't make promises, kids.
You can't keep them.
Don't grow up to fast, kids.
You can't relive this.
Don't blink, kids.
You can't miss this.

YO

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance I took my nephew to disneyland but instead I drove him to a burnt down building. I said "oh no it looks like disneyland burnt down" he cried but deep down i think he thought it was a good joke."

truth is

you are new and improved but I am one of a kind.

pulled over.

"After the events of last night Im bruised.
 Emotionally.
 Crazy people act like this.
 Maybe I've finally driven myself mad.
 Screaming out every bit of frustration inside my body, and I still don't think it's sunk in yet.
 Brains can do funny things.
 I'm at a loss for everything. My body has been running on auto pilot. Only now it's trying to run double time, to cover a double life. Nothing is okay about that. A girl should be accepted for who she is 150 percent, if you're "in it for the long haul" that is.
 I can't pretend that these things don't bother me. I wont pretend that these things are not a huge part of me. Call it what you want. Childish, immature, stupid, lame...etc. 20 years old means I have a lot of ground to cover, faces to see, places to go, beers to consume, and mistakes to be made. End of story. I will not change who I am to suit anyone else.
 I may be a drunk at times, but I have a good god damn time.
 Momma, remember when I said you'd be there to help me pick up the pieces. I think it's time. Ily."

nm//

new.

sj- have you ever met someone that you know is going to be important?

aj- how do you know they will be important?

sj- im not sure.

aj- from who you had before them.

sj- what if you never want to remember the one before him?
aj- you can't really know where you're going untill you know where you've been.

it is what it is.

when you fall everyone stands.
drunk enough to talk to you now.
and all i can say is:
fuck you.

hey you

meet me here,
come alone,
bring your mouth.