pulled all directions.

Its weird when things just hit you. Things you never thought about all at the same time.

If you would have asked me 5 years ago where I'd be now... I'd have no idea.

But I'm here now... I'm still not sure If I have an idea.

I went to the bar to drop something off and I hadn't planned on staying but I ran into NB. it really hit me that he is leaving for the army. I can't believe it. I've been trying to pretend like it wasn't really going to happen. He's one of my dearest, oldest friends. His mom and aunt were there, and his mom flew in from california and I haven't seen either of them in a long time. His mom since we were taking bong hits and playing n64 in the basement at his aunt's house where he used to live down the street from me. I was a barely senior in high school. I can still see me, his brother and mom fresh in from cali, his aunt and him all sitting laughing, taking pictures and bullshitting. We had gone out to dinner and his mom was sneaking me gingerbread martinis and his aunt was wearing the "I'm not a lonely spinster, I'm a happy lesbian" pin I had bough her to wear. I kept having to stand alone so I wouldn't get my tears noticed. it was really hard. It will be really hard. But I believe in him. I have to.

Standing drunk and alone thinking in flashes and scenes, I noticed how many directions people are trying to pull me. I am too strong to let myself do these things. I know what I want. I can't keep letting myself get walked all over. I don't owe any single person anything but to myself and that's to be happy. I'm sick of crying over people. I'm empathetic and I worry and I care. I'm sick of feeling unappreciated. I'm sick of looking out for their feelings when no ones looking out for mine. before I had gone out I had a break down and cried in the shower and needed to talk to someone who would set me straight last night and thankfully the right person lent me her ear and really said what I needed.

RA: S, J is gone. Its over. It doesn't matter how he remembers you last, hell only remember what he wants. Its completely out of your control.

SJ: I want to believe that I feel like I can't.

RA: Then you're going to keep breaking down. And no one can help you until you help you.

SJ: I don't want to let him go...

RA: Well then expect to keep crying and not having strength and not being happy. I don't mean that bad but its the truth and you're in denial and you know that. People are going to keep telling you the same thing over and over but if you aren't believing it and turning yourself around its all pointless. You are trying to be optimistic about something that will never take place and is dead. Which means your putting your energies into literally nothing. If you don't expand on something that will grow then expect what your doing now to continue.

I need growth. And to be happy alone before I can ever be happy with any man.

I always was happier alone.
I have to find myself again from wherever I lost myself.

I can say this right now, I know this is fact, I have said it before.
it's the whole fact of doing and believing and staying.


I got to see PD while he was back from oregon. In the short time he really supported my plans for moving without even saying it. Just hearing someone else doing exactly what I want to be doing and someone that's happy and making it. I am thrilled for him.

August?
Positivity.


NM: we got this girl. Ne mf day