I really used to think that when tv shows said to be continued, the actors would stop then too and resume shooting the scene in the same outfits the next week.
I mean when I was little.
And I live in the same complex as people with 2 haunted cars. One is a red jeep wrangler that is always running with no one in it. Like at weird times. Like 4am when I just walked past it. And the other is a silver kia I have NEVER seen in a different parking spot. And one time it had a dead pidgeon on the trunk. And another time the trunk was just open for like 20 minutes while I was high talking on the phone.
Ya das fine.
do you want to drive to the ocean today?
Sure, okay.
Friday NM, SP, and I got into my car, ran various errands, smoked a lot, played hours of music, and drove 700 miles to virginia beach. We arrived at 4:30am and went straight to the beach. Touched the ocean. Drank a few beers, somve voddy drinks, and NM and I were handed a 'wutang' tab to split. We rolled, drew pictures, danced, and drank and went to bed at 8 am amd woke up at 1pm or so and SP made breakfast. NM and I took them too the beach and stood on a sandbar in the ocean and ate bacon and eggs with a beer.
The boys were struggling trying to find weed so we played a card game, watched the boys play horseshoes, and drank more for a little and we decided we wanted to go to the boulavard to do some shopping. We hit the thrift stores and the grocery store. After JK bbm-ed me a picture of what the streets looked like in West Bloomfield back in MI, NM and I found ugly ass sweaters to wear to the bar that night since we sure as hell were going to stay another evening. SP made salmon, chicken, and pasta for everyone. NM and I decided to shower so we continued drinking and hurried through a power shower drunk as hell already. The plan was to go to their dive bar and party up after dinner. ZW kind of split on us for a little and we were pretty mu too drunk to really take it personal. We arrived at the bar and as usual NM and I took about 3 hours to leave the car. We finally made it in, and ZW was still not there. And their version of a dive bar was 20 guys to every 1 girl. ZW finally arrives. He blew us off to blow other things. But whatever, we've all got addictions right? ... So bar night comes to an end after a lot of really drunk akwardness and too much personal space invasion, we head back to the house. More drinking and partying, and we got ditched 2 more times. and long story short... Cocaine is an evil drug and it breaks my heart to have seen it yet again first hand how it destroys peoples lives and relationships. The fact of the matter, no matter how much we love ZW, he had made it clear, he will always choose drugs over us. As fun as it was, there were a few red flags that really prepared me for the final scene of our night leaving VB, which we compared to the last scenes of 28 days later.
"you are a wild child that handles herself like a grown ass woman."
We left at 4:30am, SP stepped up and drove, nina and I woke up at 11 in ohio.
I had to pick my best friend up off the ground again. Lift her up and wipe the tears, snot, or vomit from her face. I love that girl more than anything. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and treated right. I'm not going to lie to her or cover up things to benifit a guy. She will do the exact same thing for me. There's someone out there that will love every single thing about her. And vice versa. There's someone out there for everyone.
I'm on spring break. I'm anxious and having trouble sleeping. A lot has happened in the past few days. I am trying to figure out what the hell "me time" is.
I want a puppy.
Ps.
Ill add some pictures to go with this trip description later.
Friday NM, SP, and I got into my car, ran various errands, smoked a lot, played hours of music, and drove 700 miles to virginia beach. We arrived at 4:30am and went straight to the beach. Touched the ocean. Drank a few beers, somve voddy drinks, and NM and I were handed a 'wutang' tab to split. We rolled, drew pictures, danced, and drank and went to bed at 8 am amd woke up at 1pm or so and SP made breakfast. NM and I took them too the beach and stood on a sandbar in the ocean and ate bacon and eggs with a beer.
The boys were struggling trying to find weed so we played a card game, watched the boys play horseshoes, and drank more for a little and we decided we wanted to go to the boulavard to do some shopping. We hit the thrift stores and the grocery store. After JK bbm-ed me a picture of what the streets looked like in West Bloomfield back in MI, NM and I found ugly ass sweaters to wear to the bar that night since we sure as hell were going to stay another evening. SP made salmon, chicken, and pasta for everyone. NM and I decided to shower so we continued drinking and hurried through a power shower drunk as hell already. The plan was to go to their dive bar and party up after dinner. ZW kind of split on us for a little and we were pretty mu too drunk to really take it personal. We arrived at the bar and as usual NM and I took about 3 hours to leave the car. We finally made it in, and ZW was still not there. And their version of a dive bar was 20 guys to every 1 girl. ZW finally arrives. He blew us off to blow other things. But whatever, we've all got addictions right? ... So bar night comes to an end after a lot of really drunk akwardness and too much personal space invasion, we head back to the house. More drinking and partying, and we got ditched 2 more times. and long story short... Cocaine is an evil drug and it breaks my heart to have seen it yet again first hand how it destroys peoples lives and relationships. The fact of the matter, no matter how much we love ZW, he had made it clear, he will always choose drugs over us. As fun as it was, there were a few red flags that really prepared me for the final scene of our night leaving VB, which we compared to the last scenes of 28 days later.
"you are a wild child that handles herself like a grown ass woman."
We left at 4:30am, SP stepped up and drove, nina and I woke up at 11 in ohio.
I had to pick my best friend up off the ground again. Lift her up and wipe the tears, snot, or vomit from her face. I love that girl more than anything. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and treated right. I'm not going to lie to her or cover up things to benifit a guy. She will do the exact same thing for me. There's someone out there that will love every single thing about her. And vice versa. There's someone out there for everyone.
I'm on spring break. I'm anxious and having trouble sleeping. A lot has happened in the past few days. I am trying to figure out what the hell "me time" is.
I want a puppy.
Ps.
Ill add some pictures to go with this trip description later.
"theres more to life
than love and being together.
you went away cause you said you couldn't love me. I went away because all I do is love you. I don't think that we have to be like this forever."
Your room. The time passed, then heat. Then sweat. Each layer, each wall, each fabric you peeled. Please don't make me another girl. I'm a sucker for you and I can't think straight.
you went away cause you said you couldn't love me. I went away because all I do is love you. I don't think that we have to be like this forever."
Your room. The time passed, then heat. Then sweat. Each layer, each wall, each fabric you peeled. Please don't make me another girl. I'm a sucker for you and I can't think straight.
real quick:
"In those situations I always say I'm hard to get and unsure and imply that it takes a lot of conversation to impress me. So they don't try and lip smack me unless I'm hammered and feel bored enough that's me though haha"
best friend advice.
Can I kick it? The days are long and I feel like they are packed... I wonder if they are. I still feel a little empty. Scarily, I'm not sure if I'm just glutonous and can't get enough and will never feel full.
Ok I just work to hard to find the flaw in what's surrounding and at points had me content and my hunger satisfied.
The sun shines. The clouds block the rays. The winds always blowing. Is it the sun I want? That I need? Or is it the moon?
best friend advice.
Can I kick it? The days are long and I feel like they are packed... I wonder if they are. I still feel a little empty. Scarily, I'm not sure if I'm just glutonous and can't get enough and will never feel full.
Ok I just work to hard to find the flaw in what's surrounding and at points had me content and my hunger satisfied.
The sun shines. The clouds block the rays. The winds always blowing. Is it the sun I want? That I need? Or is it the moon?
I BETCHA
don't know...
how are you supposed to breathe when you are falling from an airplane?
A. You don't have to, you breathe through your skin.
B. Short, tiny breaths.
C. Long, deep breaths.
"TODAY"
red ink, pink nails, severe anxiety, testing next class, earthquakes this class, head stuck in LA, heart stuck in yesterday, triangulation, looking for the next best thing, thirteen on my side, diamonds on my wrists, mustache on my finger, feather on my ankle, memory on my back, next to the monkey, and the chip on my shoulder, hangover from the love hangover, heart wearing off on my hand, at least its not on my sleeve, hard to read, read to me in bed, sing to me, take pictures of me, memorize me, commit to me, commit me to memories, just let me tell you, baby. (the answer to the question is a.)
SICK OF IT
SO, SO, SO, SO SICK OF IT.
it's not running away.
it's not ignoring.
it's not bitching.
it's being worth it.
it's being appreciated.
it's being respected.
it's being a friend.
it's meaning what you say.
it's doing what you mean.
all the time.
not part time.
treat me how you want to be treated.
I thought we all knew this by now?
I would love to know
How I could have POSSIBLY slept in this morning and been 30 minutes late for my class...
at least I wasn't splashed by a car driving through a huge puddle like poor RA this morning. :(
As usual I have been having very weird dreams. I dreamt my coat had a hole in the back of it a few days ago and I have been wearing it and remember about the hole and being careful what I do with my arms as to not make it bigger. then last night I remembered it again while it was off of me, and I inspected for the hole to see if it was fixable... and there was no hole at all. I went over all the seams... all the lining, sleeves... everything. Very weird.
Hoping to see CD this evening... it's been years? We'll see.
Big weekend coming...
I'm not sure if I am ready.
BUT...
I don't really have a choice do I?
LETS GO
"Recurring dreams
And how I just can't sleep
Unless I've had a drink or five
Oh these feelings
I don't know if you've been there
I don't think I can go there again
yeah these feelings
I don't know if you've been there
But I don't think I can go there again
I down this bottle of wine
I don't know how to feel but
I don't mind the buzz"
"I shoulda said five, six, you a fly ass bitch."
"One, two, I'm thinking of you, three, four, your back is sore, five, six, hope you like this, seven, eight, spring is great, nine, ten, I'll make pancakes my friend!"
Lucifer VII is on shuffle on my speaker dock, sliding door wide open, finally getting this project started I've been thinking about for weeks with a nice breeze at my desk.
I really needed something to do with my hands.
I wonder when my neighbors will come pounding on my door to complain about the noise... good thing I can't hear it even if they do.
Lucifer VII is on shuffle on my speaker dock, sliding door wide open, finally getting this project started I've been thinking about for weeks with a nice breeze at my desk.
I really needed something to do with my hands.
I wonder when my neighbors will come pounding on my door to complain about the noise... good thing I can't hear it even if they do.
15 hours
Of my life were just spent sleeping.
The rest of the world was enjoying another warmish day. I have my sliding door open in my room and was lulled in and our of dreams by traffic sounds and the noise of tires driving on wet cement.
Wild dreams all day but I was too tired to write them down.
Maybe it was fajita fest at AG's and smoking lots with him and JT that knocked me out. Whatever it was, I'm not even mad, I must have needed it.
So goodmorning/evening I am going to play volleyball... And probably be awake for the next 3 days.
I'm excited for tomorrow being my last day of my school week, thursday being SIM's show imma merch with my sister maybe NM, birthday fest at smellbow after, friday maybe detroit to SP's for another birthday jam, saturday toronto with SB and KK. Good things.
Austin, TX so soon.
The rest of the world was enjoying another warmish day. I have my sliding door open in my room and was lulled in and our of dreams by traffic sounds and the noise of tires driving on wet cement.
Wild dreams all day but I was too tired to write them down.
Maybe it was fajita fest at AG's and smoking lots with him and JT that knocked me out. Whatever it was, I'm not even mad, I must have needed it.
So goodmorning/evening I am going to play volleyball... And probably be awake for the next 3 days.
I'm excited for tomorrow being my last day of my school week, thursday being SIM's show imma merch with my sister maybe NM, birthday fest at smellbow after, friday maybe detroit to SP's for another birthday jam, saturday toronto with SB and KK. Good things.
Austin, TX so soon.
do I have
to spell it out for you?
or scream it in your face?
the chemistry between us could destroy this place.
I got many things accomplished today.
my back is in raging pain... But ill see a doctor on tuesday finally to figure it out and get me off these pills so I can begin using them recreationally.
dinner at the blue tractor with JF and DM should put the smile back on my face since i had to stay inside all fucking day on Michigan's surprise nice day.
after that, I have a date with craig's list.
hes like a bone stick.
We are all in a state of constant departure.
Without ever reaching an arrival.
Warm day in february. Defrosts the ice we were slipping on all night. A rough night. Ended up driving to detroit at 5 am with NM. Porky the pig, peach blunts, and a mini vacation.
I'm frusterated. I gave you chances. So many. And each one was trashed worse than the last. I keep saying it will be the last time. It positively has to be now. You know what I'm all about, I layed my cards.
I won't take it to personal.
JC's first show with SIM tonight. Ill be sittin at the merch table. I hope there's a bar.
Without ever reaching an arrival.
Warm day in february. Defrosts the ice we were slipping on all night. A rough night. Ended up driving to detroit at 5 am with NM. Porky the pig, peach blunts, and a mini vacation.
I'm frusterated. I gave you chances. So many. And each one was trashed worse than the last. I keep saying it will be the last time. It positively has to be now. You know what I'm all about, I layed my cards.
I won't take it to personal.
JC's first show with SIM tonight. Ill be sittin at the merch table. I hope there's a bar.
i forgot
"You know it kills me to see such a pretty girl so tired
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me, like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry or a fuckin' fit of honesty
I'll do my best to keep you, keep you sleepy as the south
With my old watch on your wrist and my thumbs inside your mouth
Suck on my fingertips until' you kill all my prints
So your boyfriend has no clue of how much I've been touching you
My problem with me is my problem with you
It doesn't take much for me to come unglued
I put my headphones on and hear your favorite songs
And it kills me to know that this won't be one of them
You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it, this has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you, faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up, like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down
I don't care where you move, I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are
In case our timing is right, in case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice or a tongue full of sympathy."
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me, like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry or a fuckin' fit of honesty
I'll do my best to keep you, keep you sleepy as the south
With my old watch on your wrist and my thumbs inside your mouth
Suck on my fingertips until' you kill all my prints
So your boyfriend has no clue of how much I've been touching you
My problem with me is my problem with you
It doesn't take much for me to come unglued
I put my headphones on and hear your favorite songs
And it kills me to know that this won't be one of them
You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it, this has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you, faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up, like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down
I don't care where you move, I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are
In case our timing is right, in case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice or a tongue full of sympathy."
how long is too long?
How long does it take to build the dam to block this? I told RA it feels like I'm building with jenga blocks instead of mortor, bricks, cement, and glue. Someone, somethings, sometimes, somemoments happen in my normal routine and the blocks get strategically pulled out to the point I'm practically a fountian show, but I'm still standing. Why does the tower fall every day still? Why do I still wonder. Why does this always hurt so bad when I'm all alone? Before I sleep a night of tossing and turning waking up crying. I wish I could stay awake forever. I tried. I'll sleep when my body makes me.
sleeps for when you are tierd?
yeah well, I came home form work, awake for 27 hours, and fell asleep at my kitchen table on my arm. woke up, and I barely remember this, just the pain in my shoulder from sleeping on it, trudged to my room, and fell asleep, lights on, clothes, shoes, and scarf on, on top of my blankets. My phone was going nuts, I seem to have sleep answered a few, and I slept through my class this morning.after a short message to my professor, waking up J when I cursed realizing the time, and C sleeping on the couch, I decided to put together the large format camera I checked out from my school. it's beautiful. I'm hoping to take some photos of MA's back tattoos, and basically his body suit. It's funny because I'm putting so much thought into it because I only have 4 chances, since I only loaded 4 film holders at school. I hope they turn out great.
I pick up AG from the airport, he's been drinking in NY for the past few days and I assume we will be drinking more upon his return. Good thing I have to work at 8 am tomorrow morning.
BACK IN THE GRIND
gotta make it to spring.
my bones are screaming.
gotta make it to spring.
my bones are screaming.
here's to
being in college and pulling all nighters.
nothing like a 5 am shower and being able to catch transformers on tv.
and still not being confident you're prepared for a test.
sleeps for when you're tierd.
RK:
Hey, Hot Stuff,
Can't wait til you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it's soon. You're way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I'm out here waiting.
-Your Future
Can't wait til you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it's soon. You're way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I'm out here waiting.
-Your Future
sister said to a her sister one time:
SJ: I want to forget I ever loved.
AJ: well you can't so you might as well just find bigger and better love. Might take a long time but J wasn't your one shot at happiness. You're beautiful and smart so smart and you have a way of making everyone around you feel special and lucky. It's really sad you and J didn't work out, but you're one of those people meant for great love. you deserve it and you'll find it. Meanwhile I big love you more than ANYTHING and for ALWAYS.
pulled all directions.
Its weird when things just hit you. Things you never thought about all at the same time.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago where I'd be now... I'd have no idea.
But I'm here now... I'm still not sure If I have an idea.
I went to the bar to drop something off and I hadn't planned on staying but I ran into NB. it really hit me that he is leaving for the army. I can't believe it. I've been trying to pretend like it wasn't really going to happen. He's one of my dearest, oldest friends. His mom and aunt were there, and his mom flew in from california and I haven't seen either of them in a long time. His mom since we were taking bong hits and playing n64 in the basement at his aunt's house where he used to live down the street from me. I was a barely senior in high school. I can still see me, his brother and mom fresh in from cali, his aunt and him all sitting laughing, taking pictures and bullshitting. We had gone out to dinner and his mom was sneaking me gingerbread martinis and his aunt was wearing the "I'm not a lonely spinster, I'm a happy lesbian" pin I had bough her to wear. I kept having to stand alone so I wouldn't get my tears noticed. it was really hard. It will be really hard. But I believe in him. I have to.
Standing drunk and alone thinking in flashes and scenes, I noticed how many directions people are trying to pull me. I am too strong to let myself do these things. I know what I want. I can't keep letting myself get walked all over. I don't owe any single person anything but to myself and that's to be happy. I'm sick of crying over people. I'm empathetic and I worry and I care. I'm sick of feeling unappreciated. I'm sick of looking out for their feelings when no ones looking out for mine. before I had gone out I had a break down and cried in the shower and needed to talk to someone who would set me straight last night and thankfully the right person lent me her ear and really said what I needed.
RA: S, J is gone. Its over. It doesn't matter how he remembers you last, hell only remember what he wants. Its completely out of your control.
SJ: I want to believe that I feel like I can't.
RA: Then you're going to keep breaking down. And no one can help you until you help you.
SJ: I don't want to let him go...
RA: Well then expect to keep crying and not having strength and not being happy. I don't mean that bad but its the truth and you're in denial and you know that. People are going to keep telling you the same thing over and over but if you aren't believing it and turning yourself around its all pointless. You are trying to be optimistic about something that will never take place and is dead. Which means your putting your energies into literally nothing. If you don't expand on something that will grow then expect what your doing now to continue.
I need growth. And to be happy alone before I can ever be happy with any man.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago where I'd be now... I'd have no idea.
But I'm here now... I'm still not sure If I have an idea.
I went to the bar to drop something off and I hadn't planned on staying but I ran into NB. it really hit me that he is leaving for the army. I can't believe it. I've been trying to pretend like it wasn't really going to happen. He's one of my dearest, oldest friends. His mom and aunt were there, and his mom flew in from california and I haven't seen either of them in a long time. His mom since we were taking bong hits and playing n64 in the basement at his aunt's house where he used to live down the street from me. I was a barely senior in high school. I can still see me, his brother and mom fresh in from cali, his aunt and him all sitting laughing, taking pictures and bullshitting. We had gone out to dinner and his mom was sneaking me gingerbread martinis and his aunt was wearing the "I'm not a lonely spinster, I'm a happy lesbian" pin I had bough her to wear. I kept having to stand alone so I wouldn't get my tears noticed. it was really hard. It will be really hard. But I believe in him. I have to.
Standing drunk and alone thinking in flashes and scenes, I noticed how many directions people are trying to pull me. I am too strong to let myself do these things. I know what I want. I can't keep letting myself get walked all over. I don't owe any single person anything but to myself and that's to be happy. I'm sick of crying over people. I'm empathetic and I worry and I care. I'm sick of feeling unappreciated. I'm sick of looking out for their feelings when no ones looking out for mine. before I had gone out I had a break down and cried in the shower and needed to talk to someone who would set me straight last night and thankfully the right person lent me her ear and really said what I needed.
RA: S, J is gone. Its over. It doesn't matter how he remembers you last, hell only remember what he wants. Its completely out of your control.
SJ: I want to believe that I feel like I can't.
RA: Then you're going to keep breaking down. And no one can help you until you help you.
SJ: I don't want to let him go...
RA: Well then expect to keep crying and not having strength and not being happy. I don't mean that bad but its the truth and you're in denial and you know that. People are going to keep telling you the same thing over and over but if you aren't believing it and turning yourself around its all pointless. You are trying to be optimistic about something that will never take place and is dead. Which means your putting your energies into literally nothing. If you don't expand on something that will grow then expect what your doing now to continue.
I need growth. And to be happy alone before I can ever be happy with any man.
I always was happier alone.
I have to find myself again from wherever I lost myself.
I have to find myself again from wherever I lost myself.
I can say this right now, I know this is fact, I have said it before.
it's the whole fact of doing and believing and staying.
I got to see PD while he was back from oregon. In the short time he really supported my plans for moving without even saying it. Just hearing someone else doing exactly what I want to be doing and someone that's happy and making it. I am thrilled for him.
August?
Positivity.
NM: we got this girl. Ne mf day
it's the whole fact of doing and believing and staying.
I got to see PD while he was back from oregon. In the short time he really supported my plans for moving without even saying it. Just hearing someone else doing exactly what I want to be doing and someone that's happy and making it. I am thrilled for him.
August?
Positivity.
NM: we got this girl. Ne mf day
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