no, no, no. the color is all wrong.

It's such a strange concept that loneliness can mind-fuck your world so much, that you feel like no one on the whole planet would care if you disappeared.
or that you'd rather be miserable and by yourself than to let your friends drag you out for some socializing.
and that you feel as though no one single man will ever understand you the way he did.
(but he didn't really understand you at all, right? because it wouldn't be over if he did.)
I can talk myself through everything, and remember what it is I stood for, and make sense of it all and explain it out loud to people.
But my feelings, my inner peace, my heart, my soul, my dreams, my aches, my guts, are still confused and keep twisting and turning and knotting and writhing inside me.

"but you were doing so good!"

I want to sweep someone off their feet and be equally swept.
I know have so much to offer.
I have so much to give.
I know I am a good catch.
I just KNOW I am special even if I wasn't treated that way.
I feel like I am wasting me by not giving.
I just don't get it anymore.
but I do get it.

"and I know you feel alone, but you need to remember how many people really care about you and would do anything for you, because you aren't alone at all."

why are we supposed to feel like we shouldn't depend on anyone else for our happiness?
and when we do realize that, it is then supposedly the moment when we will find someone who we will then depend upon and contribute a lot of our happiness and good feelings and involve in all of our experiences and share in the wholeness and enrich each others lives for a while only to have it ripped away and be like a child riding a bike for the first time without training wheels.
all alone with no instruction.
not on grass, either.
on cement, and scared absolutely shitless.

horribly pessimistic of me, I guess.
but I just feel that way, today.

I wish I could remember how I felt before the year changed to 2007.

my journals are dong a poor job of reminding me of anything related to independence.