I want to know you if you have vivid dreams. black and white or color.
I want to know you if you want to scream to the other side of the word and if you want to be silent for hours.
I want to know you if you have no concept of time.
I want to know you if you try to absorb everything you come into contact with. & if you cut yourself off at the drop of a hat from anything.
I want to know you if you are getting to know yourself.
I want to know you if you can't breathe with anticipation and excitement sometimes.
I want to know you if you like cartoons.
I want to know you if you can hardly listen to a song sometimes the whole way through, in anticipation for another one after it you haven't even decided on yet or if you listen to one over and over and over untill you hear it everywhere you go when it's not playing. & rewind it to spots you like till you have them memorized.
I want to know people who nap when they please, with or without company.
and brush your teeth in the shower.
I want to know you if you love the feeling after showering but can then can go days on end with out one.
I want to know you if you you've been broken.
I don't want to know how.
I want to know you if you blare your music.
I want to know you if you are self conscious and confident.
I want to know you if you feel beautiful. & handsome.
I want to know you if you feel ugly.
I want to know you if you become easily infatuated with things.
I want to know you if you have zest.
I want to know you if you have style.
I want to know you if you aren't sure of your emotions.
I want to know lovely girls and pretty boys who know happiness and heartbreak.
I want to know girls and boys who laugh.
I want to know girls and boys who fall in love with love.
I want to know you if you want to be known.
I want to know you if you want to know me.
Its not too late.
it's in the a b c's of growing up.
the echoes of my everything,
the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
the laziness of afternoon,
the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..
the leaky sink of sentiment,
the failed attempts I never could forget.
the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love.
the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
the laziness of afternoon,
the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..
the leaky sink of sentiment,
the failed attempts I never could forget.
the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love.
texts from my mom:
"kids wrote letters to teachers for teacher appreciation day and guess what? you got a big card from sydney."
"never doubt that you can make a difference in a kids life."
sydney was a little girl I had my first year teaching preschool. I haven't gotten to work with her for almost 3 years. she was always looking at me and watching me. adorable shy little girl, always well put together with cute outfits and her hair was perfect and she had pretty blue eyes. she never wanted to talk to any one and was terrified of new people. she didn't warm up to me or any of the other teachers for a while. but soon she was always holding my hand. complimenting me on just about everything I did with wide-eyed admiration.
I became close with her mother and ended up playing on a women's rec league with her weekly for the past year or so. syd would send notes sometimes with her. one was a card she had drawn and had a girl with long black hair and a rainbow striped dress (I always leaned toward super bright colors when I got dressed for work at preschool) and flowers and hearts all over it. On the inside she asked me to come over and babysit and play. Even her older sister signed the card. It's been hanging on my bulletin board so I can see it everyday. I wrote her a note back on a piece of ripped paper that I had in my purse and sent it home with her mom. Months later her mom told me sydney had gotten a new purse and was starting to get into really girly-girl things and she was looking in her purse and there was lip gloss, a compact, and a crumpled kleenex. she went the toss the kleenex in the trash and sydney started yelling. It was the note I had written her. crumpled from folding it so many times. I don't even remember what I wrote. I wish I did.
"never doubt that you can make a difference in a kids life."
sydney was a little girl I had my first year teaching preschool. I haven't gotten to work with her for almost 3 years. she was always looking at me and watching me. adorable shy little girl, always well put together with cute outfits and her hair was perfect and she had pretty blue eyes. she never wanted to talk to any one and was terrified of new people. she didn't warm up to me or any of the other teachers for a while. but soon she was always holding my hand. complimenting me on just about everything I did with wide-eyed admiration.
I became close with her mother and ended up playing on a women's rec league with her weekly for the past year or so. syd would send notes sometimes with her. one was a card she had drawn and had a girl with long black hair and a rainbow striped dress (I always leaned toward super bright colors when I got dressed for work at preschool) and flowers and hearts all over it. On the inside she asked me to come over and babysit and play. Even her older sister signed the card. It's been hanging on my bulletin board so I can see it everyday. I wrote her a note back on a piece of ripped paper that I had in my purse and sent it home with her mom. Months later her mom told me sydney had gotten a new purse and was starting to get into really girly-girl things and she was looking in her purse and there was lip gloss, a compact, and a crumpled kleenex. she went the toss the kleenex in the trash and sydney started yelling. It was the note I had written her. crumpled from folding it so many times. I don't even remember what I wrote. I wish I did.
shrug them off.
I'm becoming more absent minded about things I shouldn't be.
And spending more time with memories past that I shouldn't be.
my mind is acting like its in desperate need of a tune up.
forget what you want, remember what you deserve.
this week and next left of school.
gotta hold it together.
then I think I'm going away solo for a vacation.
try and do that tune up thing.
And spending more time with memories past that I shouldn't be.
my mind is acting like its in desperate need of a tune up.
forget what you want, remember what you deserve.
this week and next left of school.
gotta hold it together.
then I think I'm going away solo for a vacation.
try and do that tune up thing.
mhmm.
"when i was five or so i had an imaginary friend named joely,
i killed him twice.
once by shark another time by alligator.
were older now but,
we still talk."
i killed him twice.
once by shark another time by alligator.
were older now but,
we still talk."
no, no, no. the color is all wrong.
It's such a strange concept that loneliness can mind-fuck your world so much, that you feel like no one on the whole planet would care if you disappeared.
or that you'd rather be miserable and by yourself than to let your friends drag you out for some socializing.
and that you feel as though no one single man will ever understand you the way he did.
(but he didn't really understand you at all, right? because it wouldn't be over if he did.)
I can talk myself through everything, and remember what it is I stood for, and make sense of it all and explain it out loud to people.
But my feelings, my inner peace, my heart, my soul, my dreams, my aches, my guts, are still confused and keep twisting and turning and knotting and writhing inside me.
"but you were doing so good!"
I want to sweep someone off their feet and be equally swept.
I know have so much to offer.
I have so much to give.
I know I am a good catch.
I just KNOW I am special even if I wasn't treated that way.
I feel like I am wasting me by not giving.
I just don't get it anymore.
but I do get it.
"and I know you feel alone, but you need to remember how many people really care about you and would do anything for you, because you aren't alone at all."
why are we supposed to feel like we shouldn't depend on anyone else for our happiness?
and when we do realize that, it is then supposedly the moment when we will find someone who we will then depend upon and contribute a lot of our happiness and good feelings and involve in all of our experiences and share in the wholeness and enrich each others lives for a while only to have it ripped away and be like a child riding a bike for the first time without training wheels.
all alone with no instruction.
not on grass, either.
on cement, and scared absolutely shitless.
horribly pessimistic of me, I guess.
but I just feel that way, today.
I wish I could remember how I felt before the year changed to 2007.
my journals are dong a poor job of reminding me of anything related to independence.
or that you'd rather be miserable and by yourself than to let your friends drag you out for some socializing.
and that you feel as though no one single man will ever understand you the way he did.
(but he didn't really understand you at all, right? because it wouldn't be over if he did.)
I can talk myself through everything, and remember what it is I stood for, and make sense of it all and explain it out loud to people.
But my feelings, my inner peace, my heart, my soul, my dreams, my aches, my guts, are still confused and keep twisting and turning and knotting and writhing inside me.
"but you were doing so good!"
I want to sweep someone off their feet and be equally swept.
I know have so much to offer.
I have so much to give.
I know I am a good catch.
I just KNOW I am special even if I wasn't treated that way.
I feel like I am wasting me by not giving.
I just don't get it anymore.
but I do get it.
"and I know you feel alone, but you need to remember how many people really care about you and would do anything for you, because you aren't alone at all."
why are we supposed to feel like we shouldn't depend on anyone else for our happiness?
and when we do realize that, it is then supposedly the moment when we will find someone who we will then depend upon and contribute a lot of our happiness and good feelings and involve in all of our experiences and share in the wholeness and enrich each others lives for a while only to have it ripped away and be like a child riding a bike for the first time without training wheels.
all alone with no instruction.
not on grass, either.
on cement, and scared absolutely shitless.
horribly pessimistic of me, I guess.
but I just feel that way, today.
I wish I could remember how I felt before the year changed to 2007.
my journals are dong a poor job of reminding me of anything related to independence.
mushrooms.
Everything glowed purple, and had auras.
I the traffic lights glowed and flashed and had a black light effect
of the whites glowing and spots of neon.
We walked through the hallway to the bathroom 3 or 4 times before we went in.
Andrea's dark room at the end of the hall was terrifying.
We got lost in the bathroom, the toilet was mean and yelled.
The toilet paper was long and thin and un ending and wrapped around me.
Seizing up was happening. The feeling in your ears with you yawn or
hold a hiccup in. It was happening and coming and going.
Sp fed the fish and we watched them eat and they were transparent. The
ate the food and spit it out.
"Quit playing with your food, or you'll be in trouble!"
Ate the food spit it out. Ate it again.
"You're grounded, no internet for a week!"
"Yo, sj just revoked my fishes internet privileges."
I wanted to lay on the carpet.
So we did.
And laughed untill tears rolled down my face.
An exit song was put on, "can we take this song with us?"
Into the spaceship, I couldn't even read my ipod the letters were
dancing all over, squiggling, lights, casino, jason's spiradic driving, arrival.
"Can we just keep driving please! Go straight!"
Parked, bad people asking us to pay and move the car, nina and I
wouldn't get out, holding onto each other.
"it's like we are playing laser tag" i whispered.
We were coaxed out and walked into a wearhouse.
Bathroom stop. Red carpet, and an art show.
Bad place, dripping walls, no mirrors, pumping bass.
2 fake toilets we were scared to pee in. curtains made of rags w didn't want to touch.
"We need to go! We have to go!"
Next to the stairs.
A million wooden stairs we saw that went straght up into the air.
Hold hands and made it up.
Stage with lights that changed colors and tables of people, turning to stare at us,
"but they aren't really staring at you, ill tell you if anyones staring at you, I promise"
Nick Moore on the phone accross the room next to a window that we
couldn't decide if there was glass in it or not, belined to it to go
touch it, and realized the wall in its entierty next to us was all
mirror. Stared and laughed and moved and spun.
Behind us was a stair case.
Going down and going up.
"Not yet not yet not yet"
Went downstairs, empty blue room with a piano, hit the keys and run.
it was so so warm in that room.
Not read to leave, i spotted across the piano room, 2 door ways,
the first with magenta and blue striped wallpaper, the second and stairway up.
"Which one should we run to?"
"Stairs."
Run up the stairs, hall way covered in dark, or more stairs up.
Ran down the hallway, spooked ran back to the stairs.
Up, and back into the huge ceilinged main room.
Back to the mirrors, and up the staircase this time.
On a roof. we were on a roof, high above the rest of the people.
Halfway to the theater's ceiling.
A roof inside the theatre.
Slanting with small steps and in the corner, plaster falling touch the
ceiling, feet on the floor same time.
Wandered back and forth.
Ceiling falling, wall falling in my hands.
plaster white fingers.
"I want to take my clothes off"
"Not yet"
Down the stairs and out to the spaceship.
Tire tracks deep in the mud next to us, "where did they go in a hurry?"
Following james' car, but didn't realize it until we got there.
hip hip show, metal detector, purse check, "it smells like marajuana in here"
"What are you, the police?"
Temperature so hot.
Sat down.
Mellowed out.
Felt the bass in my water bottle, nina and I held it for hours.
Saw a transvestite.
Huge and black and striped dress, we kept looking and looking at each other.
Bobbing to the music. Lights. Nicks white pants.
Bass. In my chest and my ears.
Just wetting my lips with the water bottle and smoking air.
"Come smoke this blunt with me"
"Are we moving"
"Where are we going"
"Over here"
"Is it okay. Are you okay?"
"Yes, come smoke this over here"
Moved to a new part of the room.
Felt like the ceiling got smaller and the people got taller.
Holding ninas hand, close the stage and speakers, turned my back our
soulder blades touching, I hit the blunt.
Air.
Hit it again.
Air.
Nina put the water bottle top behind my ear, and said "listen to this."
Hit it again.
Air.
Met some people.
Our waters gone, ears started to feel stuffed with cotton.
Need water, line, faces, waited in line, couldn't stand.
"Nina I need to sit"
Went to the old chairs, taken.
Went to back of the place, seats taken.
Everyone was staring. But they weren't right?
Find a bathroom.
"This is bad this feels bad bad bad"
Bathrooms.
Stark white, bright ass lights. Ninas eyes like a cartoon.
Spinning room.
Eyes shut tight, seeing mickey mouse and checkered tile floors twisting up.
Sat down.
"You look really sick"
Leaned over and puked next to the toilet.
Felt like my organs were falling out of my mouth.
Tooks off sweat shirts coat, lifted shirt up.
"I don't want to die"
"You're not going to die"
"Right, cause we are just on drugs."
Vomited again.
We couldn't figure out what to do.
Lost again in the bathroom.
Pressed against the white walls covered in sharpies and different
arrangements of the alphabet that I couldn't read, they were skipping
too much.
Bass slamming the drywall walls, that felt cool against my skin.
"I bet you feel better now. It's cause you smoked!"
"Yes, bad."
Water was found from the faucet that we hadn't thought of finding it there yet.
Made it out of the bathroom.
Found them.
"I thought I was dying in the bathroom. But I'm okay now."
Hop hop show.
Finally stood and focused my attention.
"Hands like glass, covered in shards, clap them hard, clap them hard"
Blew me away.
The performers shrank and I thought I couldn't see, or the front row
grew, and blocked it out.
Dark man, face all black but eyes, blood red, kept walking by me. Eyes
moving and black outlined as if cartoon and drawn over his face.
Blew me away.
Man in a vest in front of me.
Small skinny white girl dancing and raising her hands up.
Everyone raising their hands up.
I looked around everyones hands were up.
"Stand nina, this is good, stand, comere."
A girl came out.
A girl with short hair and sapphire eyes and a jaw line to cut glass.
Her delicate hands were the only feminine thing about her.
Put her small fist in the air.
The whole room had their fists in the air.
Slam.
"Hey everyone talking in the back corner, shut the fuck up, I got
somethin to say."
1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, Rappers anthem.
Nina and I danced.
She sat down.
"I think my trips ending." I said.
Just then It ballooned.
Trip is not over.
Just high and the low of the roller coaster.
Laughing and pulsing, and tapping, and bouncing.
Nina is tierd.
Dark circles under her eyes and hair a mess.
I wonder what I look like.
Walked to jasons car after being slapped in the face with the fresh air.
Not sure if I should leave nina.
Be alone in this place of state of mind of feeling.
"It will be okay."
Bye nina.
More hip hop.
Loud. Pulsing.
Smile stuck on my face, loving the lyrical webs being wrapped around
my head and in my ears.
Last act.
Loudest.
Let's go.
Back to james' car.
Smallest space, eyes covered, lights too much.
Opened for the casino.
Stared.
Kids fighting in the street, seizing up seizing up.
Back to the house and layed on the white couch.
Face down and one shoe on.
Laughed.
Laughed.
Drew pictures.
Listened to them watch boondocks.
Smoked air.
High.
Tripping down.
Layed.
Drank a purple juice box.
Heard a terrifying noise.
"Its okay go back to you happy place."
Ate a brat.
Had the hardest time eating it,
Couldn't bite.
Gather things, went to my car, gas station, rolled blunt, hot chocolate, left over tater tots.
Brand New, Band of Horses, Chris Bathgate
5:30am, I can't figure out which key opens my door they are all changing in size.
Finally inside.
In my bed.
In my bed.
I the traffic lights glowed and flashed and had a black light effect
of the whites glowing and spots of neon.
We walked through the hallway to the bathroom 3 or 4 times before we went in.
Andrea's dark room at the end of the hall was terrifying.
We got lost in the bathroom, the toilet was mean and yelled.
The toilet paper was long and thin and un ending and wrapped around me.
Seizing up was happening. The feeling in your ears with you yawn or
hold a hiccup in. It was happening and coming and going.
Sp fed the fish and we watched them eat and they were transparent. The
ate the food and spit it out.
"Quit playing with your food, or you'll be in trouble!"
Ate the food spit it out. Ate it again.
"You're grounded, no internet for a week!"
"Yo, sj just revoked my fishes internet privileges."
I wanted to lay on the carpet.
So we did.
And laughed untill tears rolled down my face.
An exit song was put on, "can we take this song with us?"
Into the spaceship, I couldn't even read my ipod the letters were
dancing all over, squiggling, lights, casino, jason's spiradic driving, arrival.
"Can we just keep driving please! Go straight!"
Parked, bad people asking us to pay and move the car, nina and I
wouldn't get out, holding onto each other.
"it's like we are playing laser tag" i whispered.
We were coaxed out and walked into a wearhouse.
Bathroom stop. Red carpet, and an art show.
Bad place, dripping walls, no mirrors, pumping bass.
2 fake toilets we were scared to pee in. curtains made of rags w didn't want to touch.
"We need to go! We have to go!"
Next to the stairs.
A million wooden stairs we saw that went straght up into the air.
Hold hands and made it up.
Stage with lights that changed colors and tables of people, turning to stare at us,
"but they aren't really staring at you, ill tell you if anyones staring at you, I promise"
Nick Moore on the phone accross the room next to a window that we
couldn't decide if there was glass in it or not, belined to it to go
touch it, and realized the wall in its entierty next to us was all
mirror. Stared and laughed and moved and spun.
Behind us was a stair case.Going down and going up.
"Not yet not yet not yet"
Went downstairs, empty blue room with a piano, hit the keys and run.
it was so so warm in that room.
Not read to leave, i spotted across the piano room, 2 door ways,
the first with magenta and blue striped wallpaper, the second and stairway up.
"Which one should we run to?"
"Stairs."
Run up the stairs, hall way covered in dark, or more stairs up.
Ran down the hallway, spooked ran back to the stairs.
Up, and back into the huge ceilinged main room.
Back to the mirrors, and up the staircase this time.
On a roof. we were on a roof, high above the rest of the people.
Halfway to the theater's ceiling.
A roof inside the theatre.
Slanting with small steps and in the corner, plaster falling touch the
ceiling, feet on the floor same time.
Wandered back and forth.
Ceiling falling, wall falling in my hands.
plaster white fingers.
"I want to take my clothes off"
"Not yet"
Down the stairs and out to the spaceship.
Tire tracks deep in the mud next to us, "where did they go in a hurry?"
Following james' car, but didn't realize it until we got there.
hip hip show, metal detector, purse check, "it smells like marajuana in here"
"What are you, the police?"
Temperature so hot.
Sat down.
Mellowed out.
Felt the bass in my water bottle, nina and I held it for hours.
Saw a transvestite.
Huge and black and striped dress, we kept looking and looking at each other.
Bobbing to the music. Lights. Nicks white pants.
Bass. In my chest and my ears.
Just wetting my lips with the water bottle and smoking air.
"Come smoke this blunt with me"
"Are we moving"
"Where are we going"
"Over here"
"Is it okay. Are you okay?"
"Yes, come smoke this over here"
Moved to a new part of the room.
Felt like the ceiling got smaller and the people got taller.
Holding ninas hand, close the stage and speakers, turned my back our
soulder blades touching, I hit the blunt.
Air.
Hit it again.
Air.
Nina put the water bottle top behind my ear, and said "listen to this."
Hit it again.
Air.
Met some people.
Our waters gone, ears started to feel stuffed with cotton.
Need water, line, faces, waited in line, couldn't stand.
"Nina I need to sit"
Went to the old chairs, taken.
Went to back of the place, seats taken.
Everyone was staring. But they weren't right?
Find a bathroom.
"This is bad this feels bad bad bad"
Bathrooms.
Stark white, bright ass lights. Ninas eyes like a cartoon.
Spinning room.
Eyes shut tight, seeing mickey mouse and checkered tile floors twisting up.
Sat down.
"You look really sick"
Leaned over and puked next to the toilet.
Felt like my organs were falling out of my mouth.
Tooks off sweat shirts coat, lifted shirt up.
"I don't want to die"
"You're not going to die"
"Right, cause we are just on drugs."
Vomited again.
We couldn't figure out what to do.
Lost again in the bathroom.
Pressed against the white walls covered in sharpies and different
arrangements of the alphabet that I couldn't read, they were skipping
too much.
Bass slamming the drywall walls, that felt cool against my skin.
"I bet you feel better now. It's cause you smoked!"
"Yes, bad."
Water was found from the faucet that we hadn't thought of finding it there yet.
Made it out of the bathroom.
Found them.
"I thought I was dying in the bathroom. But I'm okay now."
Hop hop show.
Finally stood and focused my attention.
"Hands like glass, covered in shards, clap them hard, clap them hard"
Blew me away.
The performers shrank and I thought I couldn't see, or the front row
grew, and blocked it out.
Dark man, face all black but eyes, blood red, kept walking by me. Eyes
moving and black outlined as if cartoon and drawn over his face.
Blew me away.
Man in a vest in front of me.
Small skinny white girl dancing and raising her hands up.
Everyone raising their hands up.
I looked around everyones hands were up.
"Stand nina, this is good, stand, comere."
A girl came out.
A girl with short hair and sapphire eyes and a jaw line to cut glass.
Her delicate hands were the only feminine thing about her.
Put her small fist in the air.
The whole room had their fists in the air.
Slam.
"Hey everyone talking in the back corner, shut the fuck up, I got
somethin to say."
1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, Rappers anthem.
Nina and I danced.
She sat down.
"I think my trips ending." I said.
Just then It ballooned.
Trip is not over.
Just high and the low of the roller coaster.
Laughing and pulsing, and tapping, and bouncing.
Nina is tierd.
Dark circles under her eyes and hair a mess.
I wonder what I look like.
Walked to jasons car after being slapped in the face with the fresh air.
Not sure if I should leave nina.
Be alone in this place of state of mind of feeling.
"It will be okay."
Bye nina.
More hip hop.
Loud. Pulsing.
Smile stuck on my face, loving the lyrical webs being wrapped around
my head and in my ears.
Last act.
Loudest.
Let's go.
Back to james' car.
Smallest space, eyes covered, lights too much.
Opened for the casino.
Stared.
Kids fighting in the street, seizing up seizing up.
Back to the house and layed on the white couch.
Face down and one shoe on.
Laughed.
Laughed.
Drew pictures.
Listened to them watch boondocks.
Smoked air.
High.
Tripping down.
Layed.
Drank a purple juice box.
Heard a terrifying noise.
"Its okay go back to you happy place."
Ate a brat.
Had the hardest time eating it,
Couldn't bite.
Gather things, went to my car, gas station, rolled blunt, hot chocolate, left over tater tots.
Brand New, Band of Horses, Chris Bathgate
5:30am, I can't figure out which key opens my door they are all changing in size.
Finally inside.
In my bed.
In my bed.
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