TO DO LIST:
rearrange my apartment.
get allergy tested.
make my own clothes.
brew my own sweet tea.
be sunkissed forever.
cook at least 2 meals from a cooking magazine a week.
start my back/side tattoo.
keep growing my hair out about 12 more inches on my hair so I can feel it on my ass like I used to.
take less things personal.
camp out on a beach.
make eye contact with more people.
smile at more strangers.
have a belated birthday party.
not get pissed in traffic.
get my bike from my moms.
repaint my room.
finish my disney art projects.
drop acid.
throw out everything I'm holding on to for no reason.
frame my large format photos.
prove to myself I can do yoga.
eat more fruits & veggies.
stretch every morning.
get my eyes read.
try theophostics.
take more night rides.
go to a spa for a whole day.
grind my own coffee.
grow my own herb.
wear all my heels more.
shop at thrift stores I haven't been to.
get more things from farmers markets.
take more photos.
(Upload more photos.)
jog in the arb.
quit holding grudges.
take a dancing class with jordan.
donate old clothes.
finish my associates degree.
decide where I want to move.
get allergy tested.
make my own clothes.
brew my own sweet tea.
be sunkissed forever.
cook at least 2 meals from a cooking magazine a week.
start my back/side tattoo.
keep growing my hair out about 12 more inches on my hair so I can feel it on my ass like I used to.
take less things personal.
camp out on a beach.
make eye contact with more people.
smile at more strangers.
have a belated birthday party.
not get pissed in traffic.
get my bike from my moms.
repaint my room.
finish my disney art projects.
drop acid.
throw out everything I'm holding on to for no reason.
frame my large format photos.
prove to myself I can do yoga.
eat more fruits & veggies.
stretch every morning.
get my eyes read.
try theophostics.
take more night rides.
go to a spa for a whole day.
grind my own coffee.
grow my own herb.
wear all my heels more.
shop at thrift stores I haven't been to.
get more things from farmers markets.
take more photos.
(Upload more photos.)
jog in the arb.
quit holding grudges.
take a dancing class with jordan.
donate old clothes.
finish my associates degree.
decide where I want to move.
gorillas smoking hookah.
"Have you seen the nissan "cube: mobile device" car its the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen"
"Dude! Its so fucking stupid looking. I bet if you buy one, your kids will come out retarded"
I spent yesterday in bed with the worst worst severe pains in my abdomen.
All day in the fetal position, crying.
I spent last night in the emergency room on an IV, crying.
Untill I got a morphine shot.
Then I had to have a pelvic exam at 6:30am by a man for the first time in my life.
But I was on morphine... sooo... I wasn't really to bugged out.
& I got a scrpt for vicodin.
Saying little prayers that this all doesn't get too serious.
Monday tomorrow.
Art Fair this week.
Old Greg is on adult swim right now.
"DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
that's what I thought.
you can't say nuffin.
wait'll I get my money right."
went to monroe last night. met some really amazing characters. went to mcdonalds breakfast at 5:30 or something silly in the morning with JH, AW, & HP. Then sat on the floor of the Reumes & ate it & bs-ed before we all passed out.
"Just letting you guys know... I'm really drunk. But I figure we are half way there so..."
38. 34. 3. 4.
I love my life.
you can't say nuffin.
wait'll I get my money right."
went to monroe last night. met some really amazing characters. went to mcdonalds breakfast at 5:30 or something silly in the morning with JH, AW, & HP. Then sat on the floor of the Reumes & ate it & bs-ed before we all passed out.
"Just letting you guys know... I'm really drunk. But I figure we are half way there so..."
38. 34. 3. 4.
I love my life.
barbie swimsuits.
"since the day I met her, I haven't left her."
"I told him I loved him in a mexican resturant."
"I told him I loved him in a mexican resturant."
nights like this;
"Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange."
home improvement;
your letters were drunkenly misspelled.
misplaced punctuation & jumbled adorably.
your words still meant the same as if you said them.
I think we are made for each other too.
misplaced punctuation & jumbled adorably.
your words still meant the same as if you said them.
I think we are made for each other too.
straight line baby, straight, straight down.
"The Mab whispered to her about how it had once been - orchards of fruit trees instead of freeways, skies so clear you could hear the stars singing, flowers growing over every house, deer and coyotes racing through the backyards, the ocean visible from every hilltop, swirling with mermaids and sea dragons of foam."
baby sneezes;
nothing stays the same.
this makes & breaks everything.
I'm sitting in my car watching the sheets of rain hit my windows, my wipers clear my windshield for a split second, then the droplets slam, splatter, bead, & roll down.
there's lightning & thunder & I'm calculating the location of the the storm.
6 miles.
getting farther.
rain makes me happy with everything / everyone it reminds me of.
I want to get back in bed, open my balcony door, crack a bottle of reisling, & listen to the rain outside with someone who matters while the sun goes down.
this makes & breaks everything.
I'm sitting in my car watching the sheets of rain hit my windows, my wipers clear my windshield for a split second, then the droplets slam, splatter, bead, & roll down.
there's lightning & thunder & I'm calculating the location of the the storm.
6 miles.
getting farther.
rain makes me happy with everything / everyone it reminds me of.
I want to get back in bed, open my balcony door, crack a bottle of reisling, & listen to the rain outside with someone who matters while the sun goes down.
birthday sex, birthday sex
I would like to make sure that I keep in mind to continue to have a bonfire / camping / cookout / picnic / canoe trip / walkabout / road trip / sleep in late / stay up till the birds chirp/ balcony drink fest / drug trip / music filled / dance off / pants off typa summer.
keep it crackin like a bubble
pop pop pop.
just sayin.
ya dig?
keep it crackin like a bubble
pop pop pop.
just sayin.
ya dig?
"Messy pittosporums & orange trees littered the sidewalk, & a fancy iron gate barred the way.
He smiled then. That was when she fell in love, right then, as he lifted the chain & opened the gate. Showing her it wasn't really locked, just wound around to look that way. He was a boy who knew things, things that looked one way but proved to be another."
best believe we ridin if the fan belts runnin
I guess I just wish timing wasn't such a huge issue.
but everything happens for some strange reason.
lately its been so spur of the moment.
these past split second decision filled months have changed my life.
I am 22 years old. young.
I've just barely gotten a taste of life.
I've got a lot left to experience.
I want to get the best outta this life I live.
I'm sick of being sad and miserable.
this winter was the most stressful I've ever had.
my head and heart were in sailor knots.
70 degree and up weather has defrosted what's left of them.
my heads clearer.
my hearts stronger.
I stick to my morals, keep my dignity, & follow my heart.
I do my best to not be caught up in unnecessary hurtful things.
the people I love know who they are.
I don't lie, cheat, or steal.
I keep it real and hate bullshit.
I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
if you don't hear it from me then its probably not true..
I'm happy for my friends in whatever they do as long as its not hurting me or them.
I'm thankful for every single person whose influenced me this past few months.
I've worked really hard inside this cocoon.
Now I just really want to show off my inner beauty and float.
I want to do everything I've ever wanted to.
but everything happens for some strange reason.
lately its been so spur of the moment.
these past split second decision filled months have changed my life.
I am 22 years old. young.
I've just barely gotten a taste of life.
I've got a lot left to experience.
I want to get the best outta this life I live.
I'm sick of being sad and miserable.
this winter was the most stressful I've ever had.
my head and heart were in sailor knots.
70 degree and up weather has defrosted what's left of them.
my heads clearer.
my hearts stronger.
I stick to my morals, keep my dignity, & follow my heart.
I do my best to not be caught up in unnecessary hurtful things.
the people I love know who they are.
I don't lie, cheat, or steal.
I keep it real and hate bullshit.
I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
if you don't hear it from me then its probably not true..
I'm happy for my friends in whatever they do as long as its not hurting me or them.
I'm thankful for every single person whose influenced me this past few months.
I've worked really hard inside this cocoon.
Now I just really want to show off my inner beauty and float.
I want to do everything I've ever wanted to.
waiting.
only time will tell.
"life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others presence."
:D
"life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others presence."
:D
accidents on every freeway.
3:35 pm.
275 south.
pink nails and toes.
hat on. belly full.
Traffic.
20 mph.
to the promised land.
don't fool yourself into thinking you're more than a man.
rachets sleeping.
rakes driving.
speak up.
shh, turn it down.
I won't wait.
you better move fast.
work in one hour.
noon: I want to go home.
I'm doin the best that I can.
somedays I'm doin better than others.
burn your life down.
3:49 pm.
275 south.
pink nails and toes.
hat on. belly full.
Traffic.
20 mph.
to the promised land.
don't fool yourself into thinking you're more than a man.
rachets sleeping.
rakes driving.
speak up.
shh, turn it down.
I won't wait.
you better move fast.
work in one hour.
noon: I want to go home.
I'm doin the best that I can.
somedays I'm doin better than others.
burn your life down.
3:49 pm.
towtrick
she said "baby we could never be friends, I'll love you until the end, I'll never tell you again."
I miss NM.
I miss my sister.
I miss PD.
and TB.
I miss me.
no, no, no, that's not right.
I miss less responsibility, and more carefree.
this is going to be a big summer.
endure, endure, endure.
its such a beautiful day to be alive.
I miss NM.
I miss my sister.
I miss PD.
and TB.
I miss me.
no, no, no, that's not right.
I miss less responsibility, and more carefree.
this is going to be a big summer.
endure, endure, endure.
its such a beautiful day to be alive.
nows a better time than any:
I once felt a boys heart beat in his chest.
It didn't tell me no lies, but I didn't find any truth either.
at least not what I wanted to find.
forget anyone who has ever hurt me.
I want to find someone who is
scared to death to lose me.
you can do it:
I told him as soon as I wrote it.
he didn't care.
I cling tightly to my blanket. Its down softness can't wrap around me any tighter. My mind won't stop. Dreams nip at my scalp. My brain is coaxing my eyes to roll back into these thoughts of daydreams turned vivid. I dream technicolor gore. With a bitchin soundtrack exploding in my ears.
I daydream to much & my nightmares haunt me all day. I like to dance for hours on end all alone. Elegant dos. Evident donts. Everything we think of. Its hard to say. Its hard to see. I'm blisteringly lovestoned off this hit. Ill never say we did. Ill never say we didn't. & Ill damn never quit. Get chills. Get shakes. Got burns. Got desires. Your lying cold if you say you don't tingle. I'm sighing heavily as we mix & mingle. Slick ritzy suited hims. Scantily clad missuses. Its birth & murder. Everyone's got one. Mines going to be black & white. Technicolor climaxing. Shadows molesting the gore & thick pooled blood under my sneakers. Pitiful sanity.
I'm going to write. A book. A letter. A movie. A note. A screenplay. Something. It won't be a happy story, with nauseating morals, a healing vision, or a sublime dream imprinted on the consciousness of an audience longing to heal their broken hearts damaged with reality. Searching for escape in the pages of another's words or in the darkness of a theater. It wont be hollywood, with spun platinum sugar clouds, like the wigs of starlets & sky's dyed the color of laundered-to-perfection jeans. It won't be decorated with emerald citadels, lost Utopian horizons, swank palmy night clubs filled with style & oozing champagne & bare skinned beauties. No gun-toting cowboys inhabiting & protecting ghost towns with their petticoat whores. Flowers won't threaten to grow over the doors & windows of swiss chalets, english tudor manors, or spanish villas, the way it happened to sleeping beauty's castle. My story will drip like blood & make them writhe in their 8 dollar seats. I'm secretly collecting razorblades in an asylum & hiding them under my tongue to carve the words I can only write onto my body. Line up kids. This shits bound to be addicting. Don't blink, kids. You can't miss this.
he didn't care.
I cling tightly to my blanket. Its down softness can't wrap around me any tighter. My mind won't stop. Dreams nip at my scalp. My brain is coaxing my eyes to roll back into these thoughts of daydreams turned vivid. I dream technicolor gore. With a bitchin soundtrack exploding in my ears.
I daydream to much & my nightmares haunt me all day. I like to dance for hours on end all alone. Elegant dos. Evident donts. Everything we think of. Its hard to say. Its hard to see. I'm blisteringly lovestoned off this hit. Ill never say we did. Ill never say we didn't. & Ill damn never quit. Get chills. Get shakes. Got burns. Got desires. Your lying cold if you say you don't tingle. I'm sighing heavily as we mix & mingle. Slick ritzy suited hims. Scantily clad missuses. Its birth & murder. Everyone's got one. Mines going to be black & white. Technicolor climaxing. Shadows molesting the gore & thick pooled blood under my sneakers. Pitiful sanity.
I'm going to write. A book. A letter. A movie. A note. A screenplay. Something. It won't be a happy story, with nauseating morals, a healing vision, or a sublime dream imprinted on the consciousness of an audience longing to heal their broken hearts damaged with reality. Searching for escape in the pages of another's words or in the darkness of a theater. It wont be hollywood, with spun platinum sugar clouds, like the wigs of starlets & sky's dyed the color of laundered-to-perfection jeans. It won't be decorated with emerald citadels, lost Utopian horizons, swank palmy night clubs filled with style & oozing champagne & bare skinned beauties. No gun-toting cowboys inhabiting & protecting ghost towns with their petticoat whores. Flowers won't threaten to grow over the doors & windows of swiss chalets, english tudor manors, or spanish villas, the way it happened to sleeping beauty's castle. My story will drip like blood & make them writhe in their 8 dollar seats. I'm secretly collecting razorblades in an asylum & hiding them under my tongue to carve the words I can only write onto my body. Line up kids. This shits bound to be addicting. Don't blink, kids. You can't miss this.
I looove shiney things!
"Girls like glitter because men created it."
"Girls like glitter because it reminds them of diamonds and money."
"Girls like glitter because it reminds them of diamonds and money."
weakerthans
garage sale. saturday.
I need to pay my heart's outstanding bills.
a cracked-up compass and a pocket watch,
some plastic daffodils.
the cutlery and coffee cups I stole from all-night restaurants,
a sense of wonder only slightly used,
a year or two to haunt you in the dark.
for a phone call from far away with a "Hi, how are you today?",
and a sign recovery comes to the broken ones.
a wage-slave forty-hour work week weighs a thousand kilograms.
so bend your knees comes with a free fake smile for all your dumb demands.
the cordless razor that my father bought when I turned 17,
a puke-green sofa, and the outline to a complicated dream of dignity.
for a laugh, too loud and too long.
for a place where awkward belong,
and a sign recovery comes to the broken ones.
to the broken ones.
to the broken ones.
for the broken ones.
"Or Best Offer."
"But where is her lover?" she asked him. "You can't let her be there all on her own. Look at her. Look how sad she is.
"He's coming. He's picking her some violets to pin in her coat."
-paint it black
summer lovin' is stupid as soon as your alone.
all nighters.
Carpe noctum! Seize the night, you know what I mean? Take what you can get. Even if it seems wicked. I mean, what's the alternative? Rot. Death.
I wore the night like a vintage dress.
go ahead, just shit on the cupcakes.
birth celebration in california. I've never been one to be much of a birthdayzilla or one to enjoy when things are planned to be all about me. so a rave, surrounded by 40,000 strangers, dancing to chromeo live with lasers all over was perfection. thanks for all the birthday wishes from all of you wonderful friends. as for the one important friend who I didn't hear a single thing from on my birthday... its terrible to not be able to tell my best friend about amazing things that happen. Green doesn't look good on you.
I feel so redundant and all theroy no action. I guess its enough talk about cuttin ties, moving on, letting go and time to just really do it.
it also appears that I in fact am going to be doing this all by myself.
I can't keep penciling people into my plans anymore.
all I get out of that is a let down.
so many people have come & gone in my life.
I've learned the definition & witnessed the meaning of fickle friends, shallow company, & testosterone drunk boys.
when I make friends I want to be doing it in depth. long term.
no sluts.
no liars.
no cheats.
no douche fucks.
no manipulators.
no abusers.
honesty. empathy. integrity. & class. thats all.
people who trust me as much as I trust them.
people I know I can fall back on.
I don't play he said she said garbage, and if you don't trust me & I've never done you wrong, then I'm sorry I ever gave you the opportunity to.
disrespect me, lie to me, or play childish games - you will be cut immediately without a second thought.
my girls are my girls & I want to trust them with everything.
my boys are my boys & I want to know they will take care of me.
everyone whose been that person for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
heartless bitch mode might be in order.
intelligence is the key and you're definately locked out.
I feel so redundant and all theroy no action. I guess its enough talk about cuttin ties, moving on, letting go and time to just really do it.
it also appears that I in fact am going to be doing this all by myself.
I can't keep penciling people into my plans anymore.
all I get out of that is a let down.
so many people have come & gone in my life.
I've learned the definition & witnessed the meaning of fickle friends, shallow company, & testosterone drunk boys.
when I make friends I want to be doing it in depth. long term.
no sluts.
no liars.
no cheats.
no douche fucks.
no manipulators.
no abusers.
honesty. empathy. integrity. & class. thats all.
people who trust me as much as I trust them.
people I know I can fall back on.
I don't play he said she said garbage, and if you don't trust me & I've never done you wrong, then I'm sorry I ever gave you the opportunity to.
disrespect me, lie to me, or play childish games - you will be cut immediately without a second thought.
my girls are my girls & I want to trust them with everything.
my boys are my boys & I want to know they will take care of me.
everyone whose been that person for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
heartless bitch mode might be in order.
intelligence is the key and you're definately locked out.
moon pie
we'll have our way in time.
turning points at every moment.
I'm attempting to connect the dots into something more creative, well planned, and aesthetically pleasing. not just a jumbled mess of bullshit bullshit bullshit. scribbles. I forgive. I try to forget. It's been extra gloomy since I've gotten back to michigan. everyones getting sick. already sick of the grind.
SF : "more reason to come back and see us sooooon"
turning points at every moment.
I'm attempting to connect the dots into something more creative, well planned, and aesthetically pleasing. not just a jumbled mess of bullshit bullshit bullshit. scribbles. I forgive. I try to forget. It's been extra gloomy since I've gotten back to michigan. everyones getting sick. already sick of the grind.
SF : "more reason to come back and see us sooooon"
at least we aren't crying on the bathroom floor together.
rachelk: I pout on johns boxers
rachelk: Here kay wnats to say hi
SJ!: Hahaha yess double trouble babies
rachelk: Meow
SJ!: Purrr
rachelk: Idoinbtkniwhiwthisworks
SJ!: I'm so high drinking root beer staring at people
SJ!: Hahahahaha
SJ!: S p a c e. B a r
rachelk: Ahhhh plkesse tell me it was braks
rachelk: Br
rachelk: Braques
SJ!: FOUNTAIN braks
rachelk: Haha
SJ!: Berdgajdfks rootbeer
rachelk: Reallllllyy
rachelk: Thatsd the best
rachelk: I'm so jeals
SJ!: I miss you babies
rachelk: I loove braquyehdjkvbnjds root beere
rachelk: I'm drunk
SJ!: I'm so fucking tan it looks like I went to cancun
rachelk: I'm jeals
rachelk: Fuck
rachelk: You
SJ!: I have tanorexia
SJ!: I don't think I'm tan enough
rachelk: From me and rach
rachelk: Dear sj
SJ!: No fucks off
rachelk: Fuck you
rachelk: Thanks bye
rachelk: Love kay and rach
SJ!: That's so mean
rachelk: I'm kidddding I'm smiling while I type
rachelk: I only have lovefor you
rachelk: We are juss
rachelk: T jeals
System message: File sent: IMG02645.jpg.
SJ!: I have so many intense pics from the rave on my camera
rachelk: Chromeo
rachelk: I chatechue
rachelk: Fuck u
rachelk: Shroneo
SJ!: we should all do drugs and look at them
rachelk: Biatcccchhhhh$
rachelk: Hahahaahah
rachelk: This iz rachey
rachelk: Fuck offffbitatch
rachelk: We luvhhhh u
rachelk: Jeals$
rachelk: Stopppp
SJ!: Loves youuuu
rachelk: Lobe ytuy
rachelk: Here kay wnats to say hi
SJ!: Hahaha yess double trouble babies
rachelk: Meow
SJ!: Purrr
rachelk: Idoinbtkniwhiwthisworks
SJ!: I'm so high drinking root beer staring at people
SJ!: Hahahahaha
SJ!: S p a c e. B a r
rachelk: Ahhhh plkesse tell me it was braks
rachelk: Br
rachelk: Braques
SJ!: FOUNTAIN braks
rachelk: Haha
SJ!: Berdgajdfks rootbeer
rachelk: Reallllllyy
rachelk: Thatsd the best
rachelk: I'm so jeals
SJ!: I miss you babies
rachelk: I loove braquyehdjkvbnjds root beere
rachelk: I'm drunk
SJ!: I'm so fucking tan it looks like I went to cancun
rachelk: I'm jeals
rachelk: Fuck
rachelk: You
SJ!: I have tanorexia
SJ!: I don't think I'm tan enough
rachelk: From me and rach
rachelk: Dear sj
SJ!: No fucks off
rachelk: Fuck you
rachelk: Thanks bye
rachelk: Love kay and rach
SJ!: That's so mean
rachelk: I'm kidddding I'm smiling while I type
rachelk: I only have lovefor you
rachelk: We are juss
rachelk: T jeals
System message: File sent: IMG02645.jpg.
SJ!: I have so many intense pics from the rave on my camera
rachelk: Chromeo
rachelk: I chatechue
rachelk: Fuck u
rachelk: Shroneo
SJ!: we should all do drugs and look at them
rachelk: Biatcccchhhhh$
rachelk: Hahahaahah
rachelk: This iz rachey
rachelk: Fuck offffbitatch
rachelk: We luvhhhh u
rachelk: Jeals$
rachelk: Stopppp
SJ!: Loves youuuu
rachelk: Lobe ytuy
smoked and leaving los angeles.
having an unplanned pregnancy is like having an unplanned dui.
oh dude you were driving drunk?
and you got a dui?
oh no way!
oh dude you were driving drunk?
and you got a dui?
oh no way!
oh
rachel.: I will go to animal collective if it means a wheel chair, IV and oxygen tank.
rachel.: Just letting you know right now.
SJ!: Ill push
SJ!: Or you can sit on my lap and ill do wheelies
rachel.: Hahaha
rachel.: I want that.
rachel.: And ill clap and smile
SJ!: And say yay and weee
yeah but no
maybe if my heart stops,
It wont hurt like it does some times.
but it feels so good when you make it swell.
maybe if my heart stops,
no one can steal it like they do sometimes.
but it feels so good when you trade me for yours.
maybe if my heart stops
I wont have to guard it like I do sometimes.
but it feels so good when you look after it.
maybe if my heart stops
I wont have to fix it like I do sometimes.
but you mend it so well.
I wont have to make it whole like I do sometimes.
but you share in spoiled love.
I wont have to answer to anyone.
but it feels so good when you answer me.
slash / hack // sever /// slice
Im cutting these already deteriorating ties.
ties that leave me
stretched & tormented.
and I'm giving into you.
me? a try at infatuation again?
secrets shared with one another?
no never.
I can't give in.
but it feels so good to give up.
you better not.
It wont hurt like it does some times.
but it feels so good when you make it swell.
maybe if my heart stops,
no one can steal it like they do sometimes.
but it feels so good when you trade me for yours.
maybe if my heart stops
I wont have to guard it like I do sometimes.
but it feels so good when you look after it.
maybe if my heart stops
I wont have to fix it like I do sometimes.
but you mend it so well.
I wont have to make it whole like I do sometimes.
but you share in spoiled love.
I wont have to answer to anyone.
but it feels so good when you answer me.
slash / hack // sever /// slice
Im cutting these already deteriorating ties.
ties that leave me
stretched & tormented.
and I'm giving into you.
me? a try at infatuation again?
secrets shared with one another?
no never.
I can't give in.
but it feels so good to give up.
you better not.
Dating is such a weird concept.
Such a weird, strange, uncomfortable concept.
I feel so much pressure from all over.
What makes me feel like I should be dating?
Why do single girls feel that pressure?
People go out on a "date" and meet each other and decide in the most politest way weather or not you are going to hang out again. Sometimes its not so polite. Haven't you realized it the second you are alone in the same room as this person that you. already are sure you'd never want to see them again? So what's the point of finishing the date? Humor them?
What decides dating? Where's the line located between, going out to dinner, drunk hookups, making love, taking trips, having pictures of eachother, snuggling, hanging out, and dinner with the parents? Is it the "so are you my girlfriend yet" line? Worked on me before. What if someones more comfortable not crossing that line? And what if the other persons in a rush to? Is it something that's decided mutually? Can one person change the others mind? Is that okay? Are we just looking for that person that's going to change our mind?
Why do we do this.
"What would you do if you knew you were going to die?"
"Considering I've had 3 children back to back, I'd probably have a margarita."
Such a weird, strange, uncomfortable concept.
I feel so much pressure from all over.
What makes me feel like I should be dating?
Why do single girls feel that pressure?
People go out on a "date" and meet each other and decide in the most politest way weather or not you are going to hang out again. Sometimes its not so polite. Haven't you realized it the second you are alone in the same room as this person that you. already are sure you'd never want to see them again? So what's the point of finishing the date? Humor them?
What decides dating? Where's the line located between, going out to dinner, drunk hookups, making love, taking trips, having pictures of eachother, snuggling, hanging out, and dinner with the parents? Is it the "so are you my girlfriend yet" line? Worked on me before. What if someones more comfortable not crossing that line? And what if the other persons in a rush to? Is it something that's decided mutually? Can one person change the others mind? Is that okay? Are we just looking for that person that's going to change our mind?
Why do we do this.
"What would you do if you knew you were going to die?"
"Considering I've had 3 children back to back, I'd probably have a margarita."
look out!
don't forget to tie your shoes tight & look both ways, kids.
I keep hearing about people getting hit head on by their lives.
I keep hearing about people getting hit head on by their lives.
COMEON
I want to know you if you have vivid dreams. black and white or color.
I want to know you if you want to scream to the other side of the word and if you want to be silent for hours.
I want to know you if you have no concept of time.
I want to know you if you try to absorb everything you come into contact with. & if you cut yourself off at the drop of a hat from anything.
I want to know you if you are getting to know yourself.
I want to know you if you can't breathe with anticipation and excitement sometimes.
I want to know you if you like cartoons.
I want to know you if you can hardly listen to a song sometimes the whole way through, in anticipation for another one after it you haven't even decided on yet or if you listen to one over and over and over untill you hear it everywhere you go when it's not playing. & rewind it to spots you like till you have them memorized.
I want to know people who nap when they please, with or without company.
and brush your teeth in the shower.
I want to know you if you love the feeling after showering but can then can go days on end with out one.
I want to know you if you you've been broken.
I don't want to know how.
I want to know you if you blare your music.
I want to know you if you are self conscious and confident.
I want to know you if you feel beautiful. & handsome.
I want to know you if you feel ugly.
I want to know you if you become easily infatuated with things.
I want to know you if you have zest.
I want to know you if you have style.
I want to know you if you aren't sure of your emotions.
I want to know lovely girls and pretty boys who know happiness and heartbreak.
I want to know girls and boys who laugh.
I want to know girls and boys who fall in love with love.
I want to know you if you want to be known.
I want to know you if you want to know me.
Its not too late.
I want to know you if you want to scream to the other side of the word and if you want to be silent for hours.
I want to know you if you have no concept of time.
I want to know you if you try to absorb everything you come into contact with. & if you cut yourself off at the drop of a hat from anything.
I want to know you if you are getting to know yourself.
I want to know you if you can't breathe with anticipation and excitement sometimes.
I want to know you if you like cartoons.
I want to know you if you can hardly listen to a song sometimes the whole way through, in anticipation for another one after it you haven't even decided on yet or if you listen to one over and over and over untill you hear it everywhere you go when it's not playing. & rewind it to spots you like till you have them memorized.
I want to know people who nap when they please, with or without company.
and brush your teeth in the shower.
I want to know you if you love the feeling after showering but can then can go days on end with out one.
I want to know you if you you've been broken.
I don't want to know how.
I want to know you if you blare your music.
I want to know you if you are self conscious and confident.
I want to know you if you feel beautiful. & handsome.
I want to know you if you feel ugly.
I want to know you if you become easily infatuated with things.
I want to know you if you have zest.
I want to know you if you have style.
I want to know you if you aren't sure of your emotions.
I want to know lovely girls and pretty boys who know happiness and heartbreak.
I want to know girls and boys who laugh.
I want to know girls and boys who fall in love with love.
I want to know you if you want to be known.
I want to know you if you want to know me.
Its not too late.
it's in the a b c's of growing up.
the echoes of my everything,
the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
the laziness of afternoon,
the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..
the leaky sink of sentiment,
the failed attempts I never could forget.
the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love.
the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
the laziness of afternoon,
the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..
the leaky sink of sentiment,
the failed attempts I never could forget.
the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love.
texts from my mom:
"kids wrote letters to teachers for teacher appreciation day and guess what? you got a big card from sydney."
"never doubt that you can make a difference in a kids life."
sydney was a little girl I had my first year teaching preschool. I haven't gotten to work with her for almost 3 years. she was always looking at me and watching me. adorable shy little girl, always well put together with cute outfits and her hair was perfect and she had pretty blue eyes. she never wanted to talk to any one and was terrified of new people. she didn't warm up to me or any of the other teachers for a while. but soon she was always holding my hand. complimenting me on just about everything I did with wide-eyed admiration.
I became close with her mother and ended up playing on a women's rec league with her weekly for the past year or so. syd would send notes sometimes with her. one was a card she had drawn and had a girl with long black hair and a rainbow striped dress (I always leaned toward super bright colors when I got dressed for work at preschool) and flowers and hearts all over it. On the inside she asked me to come over and babysit and play. Even her older sister signed the card. It's been hanging on my bulletin board so I can see it everyday. I wrote her a note back on a piece of ripped paper that I had in my purse and sent it home with her mom. Months later her mom told me sydney had gotten a new purse and was starting to get into really girly-girl things and she was looking in her purse and there was lip gloss, a compact, and a crumpled kleenex. she went the toss the kleenex in the trash and sydney started yelling. It was the note I had written her. crumpled from folding it so many times. I don't even remember what I wrote. I wish I did.
"never doubt that you can make a difference in a kids life."
sydney was a little girl I had my first year teaching preschool. I haven't gotten to work with her for almost 3 years. she was always looking at me and watching me. adorable shy little girl, always well put together with cute outfits and her hair was perfect and she had pretty blue eyes. she never wanted to talk to any one and was terrified of new people. she didn't warm up to me or any of the other teachers for a while. but soon she was always holding my hand. complimenting me on just about everything I did with wide-eyed admiration.
I became close with her mother and ended up playing on a women's rec league with her weekly for the past year or so. syd would send notes sometimes with her. one was a card she had drawn and had a girl with long black hair and a rainbow striped dress (I always leaned toward super bright colors when I got dressed for work at preschool) and flowers and hearts all over it. On the inside she asked me to come over and babysit and play. Even her older sister signed the card. It's been hanging on my bulletin board so I can see it everyday. I wrote her a note back on a piece of ripped paper that I had in my purse and sent it home with her mom. Months later her mom told me sydney had gotten a new purse and was starting to get into really girly-girl things and she was looking in her purse and there was lip gloss, a compact, and a crumpled kleenex. she went the toss the kleenex in the trash and sydney started yelling. It was the note I had written her. crumpled from folding it so many times. I don't even remember what I wrote. I wish I did.
shrug them off.
I'm becoming more absent minded about things I shouldn't be.
And spending more time with memories past that I shouldn't be.
my mind is acting like its in desperate need of a tune up.
forget what you want, remember what you deserve.
this week and next left of school.
gotta hold it together.
then I think I'm going away solo for a vacation.
try and do that tune up thing.
And spending more time with memories past that I shouldn't be.
my mind is acting like its in desperate need of a tune up.
forget what you want, remember what you deserve.
this week and next left of school.
gotta hold it together.
then I think I'm going away solo for a vacation.
try and do that tune up thing.
mhmm.
"when i was five or so i had an imaginary friend named joely,
i killed him twice.
once by shark another time by alligator.
were older now but,
we still talk."
i killed him twice.
once by shark another time by alligator.
were older now but,
we still talk."
no, no, no. the color is all wrong.
It's such a strange concept that loneliness can mind-fuck your world so much, that you feel like no one on the whole planet would care if you disappeared.
or that you'd rather be miserable and by yourself than to let your friends drag you out for some socializing.
and that you feel as though no one single man will ever understand you the way he did.
(but he didn't really understand you at all, right? because it wouldn't be over if he did.)
I can talk myself through everything, and remember what it is I stood for, and make sense of it all and explain it out loud to people.
But my feelings, my inner peace, my heart, my soul, my dreams, my aches, my guts, are still confused and keep twisting and turning and knotting and writhing inside me.
"but you were doing so good!"
I want to sweep someone off their feet and be equally swept.
I know have so much to offer.
I have so much to give.
I know I am a good catch.
I just KNOW I am special even if I wasn't treated that way.
I feel like I am wasting me by not giving.
I just don't get it anymore.
but I do get it.
"and I know you feel alone, but you need to remember how many people really care about you and would do anything for you, because you aren't alone at all."
why are we supposed to feel like we shouldn't depend on anyone else for our happiness?
and when we do realize that, it is then supposedly the moment when we will find someone who we will then depend upon and contribute a lot of our happiness and good feelings and involve in all of our experiences and share in the wholeness and enrich each others lives for a while only to have it ripped away and be like a child riding a bike for the first time without training wheels.
all alone with no instruction.
not on grass, either.
on cement, and scared absolutely shitless.
horribly pessimistic of me, I guess.
but I just feel that way, today.
I wish I could remember how I felt before the year changed to 2007.
my journals are dong a poor job of reminding me of anything related to independence.
or that you'd rather be miserable and by yourself than to let your friends drag you out for some socializing.
and that you feel as though no one single man will ever understand you the way he did.
(but he didn't really understand you at all, right? because it wouldn't be over if he did.)
I can talk myself through everything, and remember what it is I stood for, and make sense of it all and explain it out loud to people.
But my feelings, my inner peace, my heart, my soul, my dreams, my aches, my guts, are still confused and keep twisting and turning and knotting and writhing inside me.
"but you were doing so good!"
I want to sweep someone off their feet and be equally swept.
I know have so much to offer.
I have so much to give.
I know I am a good catch.
I just KNOW I am special even if I wasn't treated that way.
I feel like I am wasting me by not giving.
I just don't get it anymore.
but I do get it.
"and I know you feel alone, but you need to remember how many people really care about you and would do anything for you, because you aren't alone at all."
why are we supposed to feel like we shouldn't depend on anyone else for our happiness?
and when we do realize that, it is then supposedly the moment when we will find someone who we will then depend upon and contribute a lot of our happiness and good feelings and involve in all of our experiences and share in the wholeness and enrich each others lives for a while only to have it ripped away and be like a child riding a bike for the first time without training wheels.
all alone with no instruction.
not on grass, either.
on cement, and scared absolutely shitless.
horribly pessimistic of me, I guess.
but I just feel that way, today.
I wish I could remember how I felt before the year changed to 2007.
my journals are dong a poor job of reminding me of anything related to independence.
mushrooms.
Everything glowed purple, and had auras.
I the traffic lights glowed and flashed and had a black light effect
of the whites glowing and spots of neon.
We walked through the hallway to the bathroom 3 or 4 times before we went in.
Andrea's dark room at the end of the hall was terrifying.
We got lost in the bathroom, the toilet was mean and yelled.
The toilet paper was long and thin and un ending and wrapped around me.
Seizing up was happening. The feeling in your ears with you yawn or
hold a hiccup in. It was happening and coming and going.
Sp fed the fish and we watched them eat and they were transparent. The
ate the food and spit it out.
"Quit playing with your food, or you'll be in trouble!"
Ate the food spit it out. Ate it again.
"You're grounded, no internet for a week!"
"Yo, sj just revoked my fishes internet privileges."
I wanted to lay on the carpet.
So we did.
And laughed untill tears rolled down my face.
An exit song was put on, "can we take this song with us?"
Into the spaceship, I couldn't even read my ipod the letters were
dancing all over, squiggling, lights, casino, jason's spiradic driving, arrival.
"Can we just keep driving please! Go straight!"
Parked, bad people asking us to pay and move the car, nina and I
wouldn't get out, holding onto each other.
"it's like we are playing laser tag" i whispered.
We were coaxed out and walked into a wearhouse.
Bathroom stop. Red carpet, and an art show.
Bad place, dripping walls, no mirrors, pumping bass.
2 fake toilets we were scared to pee in. curtains made of rags w didn't want to touch.
"We need to go! We have to go!"
Next to the stairs.
A million wooden stairs we saw that went straght up into the air.
Hold hands and made it up.
Stage with lights that changed colors and tables of people, turning to stare at us,
"but they aren't really staring at you, ill tell you if anyones staring at you, I promise"
Nick Moore on the phone accross the room next to a window that we
couldn't decide if there was glass in it or not, belined to it to go
touch it, and realized the wall in its entierty next to us was all
mirror. Stared and laughed and moved and spun.
Behind us was a stair case.
Going down and going up.
"Not yet not yet not yet"
Went downstairs, empty blue room with a piano, hit the keys and run.
it was so so warm in that room.
Not read to leave, i spotted across the piano room, 2 door ways,
the first with magenta and blue striped wallpaper, the second and stairway up.
"Which one should we run to?"
"Stairs."
Run up the stairs, hall way covered in dark, or more stairs up.
Ran down the hallway, spooked ran back to the stairs.
Up, and back into the huge ceilinged main room.
Back to the mirrors, and up the staircase this time.
On a roof. we were on a roof, high above the rest of the people.
Halfway to the theater's ceiling.
A roof inside the theatre.
Slanting with small steps and in the corner, plaster falling touch the
ceiling, feet on the floor same time.
Wandered back and forth.
Ceiling falling, wall falling in my hands.
plaster white fingers.
"I want to take my clothes off"
"Not yet"
Down the stairs and out to the spaceship.
Tire tracks deep in the mud next to us, "where did they go in a hurry?"
Following james' car, but didn't realize it until we got there.
hip hip show, metal detector, purse check, "it smells like marajuana in here"
"What are you, the police?"
Temperature so hot.
Sat down.
Mellowed out.
Felt the bass in my water bottle, nina and I held it for hours.
Saw a transvestite.
Huge and black and striped dress, we kept looking and looking at each other.
Bobbing to the music. Lights. Nicks white pants.
Bass. In my chest and my ears.
Just wetting my lips with the water bottle and smoking air.
"Come smoke this blunt with me"
"Are we moving"
"Where are we going"
"Over here"
"Is it okay. Are you okay?"
"Yes, come smoke this over here"
Moved to a new part of the room.
Felt like the ceiling got smaller and the people got taller.
Holding ninas hand, close the stage and speakers, turned my back our
soulder blades touching, I hit the blunt.
Air.
Hit it again.
Air.
Nina put the water bottle top behind my ear, and said "listen to this."
Hit it again.
Air.
Met some people.
Our waters gone, ears started to feel stuffed with cotton.
Need water, line, faces, waited in line, couldn't stand.
"Nina I need to sit"
Went to the old chairs, taken.
Went to back of the place, seats taken.
Everyone was staring. But they weren't right?
Find a bathroom.
"This is bad this feels bad bad bad"
Bathrooms.
Stark white, bright ass lights. Ninas eyes like a cartoon.
Spinning room.
Eyes shut tight, seeing mickey mouse and checkered tile floors twisting up.
Sat down.
"You look really sick"
Leaned over and puked next to the toilet.
Felt like my organs were falling out of my mouth.
Tooks off sweat shirts coat, lifted shirt up.
"I don't want to die"
"You're not going to die"
"Right, cause we are just on drugs."
Vomited again.
We couldn't figure out what to do.
Lost again in the bathroom.
Pressed against the white walls covered in sharpies and different
arrangements of the alphabet that I couldn't read, they were skipping
too much.
Bass slamming the drywall walls, that felt cool against my skin.
"I bet you feel better now. It's cause you smoked!"
"Yes, bad."
Water was found from the faucet that we hadn't thought of finding it there yet.
Made it out of the bathroom.
Found them.
"I thought I was dying in the bathroom. But I'm okay now."
Hop hop show.
Finally stood and focused my attention.
"Hands like glass, covered in shards, clap them hard, clap them hard"
Blew me away.
The performers shrank and I thought I couldn't see, or the front row
grew, and blocked it out.
Dark man, face all black but eyes, blood red, kept walking by me. Eyes
moving and black outlined as if cartoon and drawn over his face.
Blew me away.
Man in a vest in front of me.
Small skinny white girl dancing and raising her hands up.
Everyone raising their hands up.
I looked around everyones hands were up.
"Stand nina, this is good, stand, comere."
A girl came out.
A girl with short hair and sapphire eyes and a jaw line to cut glass.
Her delicate hands were the only feminine thing about her.
Put her small fist in the air.
The whole room had their fists in the air.
Slam.
"Hey everyone talking in the back corner, shut the fuck up, I got
somethin to say."
1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, Rappers anthem.
Nina and I danced.
She sat down.
"I think my trips ending." I said.
Just then It ballooned.
Trip is not over.
Just high and the low of the roller coaster.
Laughing and pulsing, and tapping, and bouncing.
Nina is tierd.
Dark circles under her eyes and hair a mess.
I wonder what I look like.
Walked to jasons car after being slapped in the face with the fresh air.
Not sure if I should leave nina.
Be alone in this place of state of mind of feeling.
"It will be okay."
Bye nina.
More hip hop.
Loud. Pulsing.
Smile stuck on my face, loving the lyrical webs being wrapped around
my head and in my ears.
Last act.
Loudest.
Let's go.
Back to james' car.
Smallest space, eyes covered, lights too much.
Opened for the casino.
Stared.
Kids fighting in the street, seizing up seizing up.
Back to the house and layed on the white couch.
Face down and one shoe on.
Laughed.
Laughed.
Drew pictures.
Listened to them watch boondocks.
Smoked air.
High.
Tripping down.
Layed.
Drank a purple juice box.
Heard a terrifying noise.
"Its okay go back to you happy place."
Ate a brat.
Had the hardest time eating it,
Couldn't bite.
Gather things, went to my car, gas station, rolled blunt, hot chocolate, left over tater tots.
Brand New, Band of Horses, Chris Bathgate
5:30am, I can't figure out which key opens my door they are all changing in size.
Finally inside.
In my bed.
In my bed.
I the traffic lights glowed and flashed and had a black light effect
of the whites glowing and spots of neon.
We walked through the hallway to the bathroom 3 or 4 times before we went in.
Andrea's dark room at the end of the hall was terrifying.
We got lost in the bathroom, the toilet was mean and yelled.
The toilet paper was long and thin and un ending and wrapped around me.
Seizing up was happening. The feeling in your ears with you yawn or
hold a hiccup in. It was happening and coming and going.
Sp fed the fish and we watched them eat and they were transparent. The
ate the food and spit it out.
"Quit playing with your food, or you'll be in trouble!"
Ate the food spit it out. Ate it again.
"You're grounded, no internet for a week!"
"Yo, sj just revoked my fishes internet privileges."
I wanted to lay on the carpet.
So we did.
And laughed untill tears rolled down my face.
An exit song was put on, "can we take this song with us?"
Into the spaceship, I couldn't even read my ipod the letters were
dancing all over, squiggling, lights, casino, jason's spiradic driving, arrival.
"Can we just keep driving please! Go straight!"
Parked, bad people asking us to pay and move the car, nina and I
wouldn't get out, holding onto each other.
"it's like we are playing laser tag" i whispered.
We were coaxed out and walked into a wearhouse.
Bathroom stop. Red carpet, and an art show.
Bad place, dripping walls, no mirrors, pumping bass.
2 fake toilets we were scared to pee in. curtains made of rags w didn't want to touch.
"We need to go! We have to go!"
Next to the stairs.
A million wooden stairs we saw that went straght up into the air.
Hold hands and made it up.
Stage with lights that changed colors and tables of people, turning to stare at us,
"but they aren't really staring at you, ill tell you if anyones staring at you, I promise"
Nick Moore on the phone accross the room next to a window that we
couldn't decide if there was glass in it or not, belined to it to go
touch it, and realized the wall in its entierty next to us was all
mirror. Stared and laughed and moved and spun.
Behind us was a stair case.Going down and going up.
"Not yet not yet not yet"
Went downstairs, empty blue room with a piano, hit the keys and run.
it was so so warm in that room.
Not read to leave, i spotted across the piano room, 2 door ways,
the first with magenta and blue striped wallpaper, the second and stairway up.
"Which one should we run to?"
"Stairs."
Run up the stairs, hall way covered in dark, or more stairs up.
Ran down the hallway, spooked ran back to the stairs.
Up, and back into the huge ceilinged main room.
Back to the mirrors, and up the staircase this time.
On a roof. we were on a roof, high above the rest of the people.
Halfway to the theater's ceiling.
A roof inside the theatre.
Slanting with small steps and in the corner, plaster falling touch the
ceiling, feet on the floor same time.
Wandered back and forth.
Ceiling falling, wall falling in my hands.
plaster white fingers.
"I want to take my clothes off"
"Not yet"
Down the stairs and out to the spaceship.
Tire tracks deep in the mud next to us, "where did they go in a hurry?"
Following james' car, but didn't realize it until we got there.
hip hip show, metal detector, purse check, "it smells like marajuana in here"
"What are you, the police?"
Temperature so hot.
Sat down.
Mellowed out.
Felt the bass in my water bottle, nina and I held it for hours.
Saw a transvestite.
Huge and black and striped dress, we kept looking and looking at each other.
Bobbing to the music. Lights. Nicks white pants.
Bass. In my chest and my ears.
Just wetting my lips with the water bottle and smoking air.
"Come smoke this blunt with me"
"Are we moving"
"Where are we going"
"Over here"
"Is it okay. Are you okay?"
"Yes, come smoke this over here"
Moved to a new part of the room.
Felt like the ceiling got smaller and the people got taller.
Holding ninas hand, close the stage and speakers, turned my back our
soulder blades touching, I hit the blunt.
Air.
Hit it again.
Air.
Nina put the water bottle top behind my ear, and said "listen to this."
Hit it again.
Air.
Met some people.
Our waters gone, ears started to feel stuffed with cotton.
Need water, line, faces, waited in line, couldn't stand.
"Nina I need to sit"
Went to the old chairs, taken.
Went to back of the place, seats taken.
Everyone was staring. But they weren't right?
Find a bathroom.
"This is bad this feels bad bad bad"
Bathrooms.
Stark white, bright ass lights. Ninas eyes like a cartoon.
Spinning room.
Eyes shut tight, seeing mickey mouse and checkered tile floors twisting up.
Sat down.
"You look really sick"
Leaned over and puked next to the toilet.
Felt like my organs were falling out of my mouth.
Tooks off sweat shirts coat, lifted shirt up.
"I don't want to die"
"You're not going to die"
"Right, cause we are just on drugs."
Vomited again.
We couldn't figure out what to do.
Lost again in the bathroom.
Pressed against the white walls covered in sharpies and different
arrangements of the alphabet that I couldn't read, they were skipping
too much.
Bass slamming the drywall walls, that felt cool against my skin.
"I bet you feel better now. It's cause you smoked!"
"Yes, bad."
Water was found from the faucet that we hadn't thought of finding it there yet.
Made it out of the bathroom.
Found them.
"I thought I was dying in the bathroom. But I'm okay now."
Hop hop show.
Finally stood and focused my attention.
"Hands like glass, covered in shards, clap them hard, clap them hard"
Blew me away.
The performers shrank and I thought I couldn't see, or the front row
grew, and blocked it out.
Dark man, face all black but eyes, blood red, kept walking by me. Eyes
moving and black outlined as if cartoon and drawn over his face.
Blew me away.
Man in a vest in front of me.
Small skinny white girl dancing and raising her hands up.
Everyone raising their hands up.
I looked around everyones hands were up.
"Stand nina, this is good, stand, comere."
A girl came out.
A girl with short hair and sapphire eyes and a jaw line to cut glass.
Her delicate hands were the only feminine thing about her.
Put her small fist in the air.
The whole room had their fists in the air.
Slam.
"Hey everyone talking in the back corner, shut the fuck up, I got
somethin to say."
1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, Rappers anthem.
Nina and I danced.
She sat down.
"I think my trips ending." I said.
Just then It ballooned.
Trip is not over.
Just high and the low of the roller coaster.
Laughing and pulsing, and tapping, and bouncing.
Nina is tierd.
Dark circles under her eyes and hair a mess.
I wonder what I look like.
Walked to jasons car after being slapped in the face with the fresh air.
Not sure if I should leave nina.
Be alone in this place of state of mind of feeling.
"It will be okay."
Bye nina.
More hip hop.
Loud. Pulsing.
Smile stuck on my face, loving the lyrical webs being wrapped around
my head and in my ears.
Last act.
Loudest.
Let's go.
Back to james' car.
Smallest space, eyes covered, lights too much.
Opened for the casino.
Stared.
Kids fighting in the street, seizing up seizing up.
Back to the house and layed on the white couch.
Face down and one shoe on.
Laughed.
Laughed.
Drew pictures.
Listened to them watch boondocks.
Smoked air.
High.
Tripping down.
Layed.
Drank a purple juice box.
Heard a terrifying noise.
"Its okay go back to you happy place."
Ate a brat.
Had the hardest time eating it,
Couldn't bite.
Gather things, went to my car, gas station, rolled blunt, hot chocolate, left over tater tots.
Brand New, Band of Horses, Chris Bathgate
5:30am, I can't figure out which key opens my door they are all changing in size.
Finally inside.
In my bed.
In my bed.
Let the sunlight in, brighten up your day.
Acceptance means you've won.
You've won the battle royale.
Not dealing, not ignoring, not denying, not fabricating. Not hoping, wishing, and trying to make it so it isn't so.
Accepting.
Accepting means you can move on.
That you can take a deep breath and let go.
Its doesn't mean you can't still be sad sometimes.
You just have to remember you won't be driving those roads anymore, you won't be looking into those eyes the way you used to. Those arms won't be wrapped around you again. You won't call that number at your highest and your lowest and in between.
And when you can accept that...
You can be happy again.
You can take deep breaths and be happy again.
You just have to accept its over and be honest with yourself.
I'm not saying I am perfectly okay.
I am not saying I know everything.
I'm just saying I know what I'm feeling and this fog is beginning to lift, these demons are dispursing, and the cold is starting to leave my extremities.
Baby steps. Believe me.
Just don't go rushing me.
You've won the battle royale.
Not dealing, not ignoring, not denying, not fabricating. Not hoping, wishing, and trying to make it so it isn't so.
Accepting.
Accepting means you can move on.
That you can take a deep breath and let go.
Its doesn't mean you can't still be sad sometimes.
You just have to remember you won't be driving those roads anymore, you won't be looking into those eyes the way you used to. Those arms won't be wrapped around you again. You won't call that number at your highest and your lowest and in between.
And when you can accept that...
You can be happy again.
You can take deep breaths and be happy again.
You just have to accept its over and be honest with yourself.
I'm not saying I am perfectly okay.
I am not saying I know everything.
I'm just saying I know what I'm feeling and this fog is beginning to lift, these demons are dispursing, and the cold is starting to leave my extremities.
Baby steps. Believe me.
Just don't go rushing me.
metric.
you can burn your paper fingers in the ashtray
place your swollen lips on mine
you can shave your heavy head in my carpeted hallway
sure for the first time you're wearing the right clothes
now take them offMeet me on the band room rug
tie my right hand to the ride
you can take a live wire into the bath with you
for a feeling you can't find
you can entertain your childhood friends with a tour of the bedroom
laugh to erase the dirt on your mind
oh let's move out
meet me at the motel
tie my right hand to the bible
too little too late but we don't say no
it's too much to feel
tie my right hand to the bible
place your swollen lips on mine
you can shave your heavy head in my carpeted hallway
sure for the first time you're wearing the right clothes
now take them offMeet me on the band room rug
tie my right hand to the ride
you can take a live wire into the bath with you
for a feeling you can't find
you can entertain your childhood friends with a tour of the bedroom
laugh to erase the dirt on your mind
oh let's move out
meet me at the motel
tie my right hand to the bible
too little too late but we don't say no
it's too much to feel
tie my right hand to the bible
In the end.
my best friend gave me the best email full of a collection of advice.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
Each piece we write, whether it is long, short, or a few words, is a mile marker on our grief journey. These markers lead us to new feelings, discoveries, and wisdom. Don't edit
yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper.
Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to "get" valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your
way through it.
No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain.
Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
Allow at least the learning part to enrich your life.
*Let go.*
Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache,
regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways.
You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.
there will be a next time.
there will be a next time.
there will be a next time.
Walk out of your heartache, knowing that you have done all that you can do, said all that you can say, and given as much as you can give. When you feel that you did your part as best you could, but he didn't meet you halfway, then you will not need to torture yourself with "what-ifs".
Remember that this pain just has to be survived. It takes a season of time to heal, like a broken arm - there is no magical, instant cure or relief.
You won't die from it, though you may feel like you will for a time.
Endure.
Endure.
Endure.
Endure.
Eventually you will feel better, the pain will lessen, and you will
be able to love again.
Taking the high road may be hard now, but you'll be glad later that you didn't stoop to the gutter, even though you could have.
Every day, find something that will make you smile. Smiling really helps, even at the worst time of your life. You are free to be whoever you want to be now, without thinking "will he/she mind if I do that?".
Nothing is more important than you.
Nothing is more important than you.
Nothing is more important than you.
Love yourself, love life, and when you wake up...
SMILE.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
Each piece we write, whether it is long, short, or a few words, is a mile marker on our grief journey. These markers lead us to new feelings, discoveries, and wisdom. Don't edit
yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper.
Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to "get" valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your
way through it.
No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain.
Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
Allow at least the learning part to enrich your life.
*Let go.*
Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache,
regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways.
You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.
there will be a next time.
there will be a next time.
there will be a next time.
Walk out of your heartache, knowing that you have done all that you can do, said all that you can say, and given as much as you can give. When you feel that you did your part as best you could, but he didn't meet you halfway, then you will not need to torture yourself with "what-ifs".
Remember that this pain just has to be survived. It takes a season of time to heal, like a broken arm - there is no magical, instant cure or relief.
You won't die from it, though you may feel like you will for a time.
Endure.
Endure.
Endure.
Endure.
Eventually you will feel better, the pain will lessen, and you will
be able to love again.
Taking the high road may be hard now, but you'll be glad later that you didn't stoop to the gutter, even though you could have.
Every day, find something that will make you smile. Smiling really helps, even at the worst time of your life. You are free to be whoever you want to be now, without thinking "will he/she mind if I do that?".
Nothing is more important than you.
Nothing is more important than you.
Nothing is more important than you.
Love yourself, love life, and when you wake up...
SMILE.
I will be the one smiling in the end.
almost everyone thinks they will never be happy again, but the
human spirit is amazing — and the heartbreak almost always heals after a while. humans are adaptable.
I can't wait for this.
"I now avidly pursue the future as I welcome life’s unexpected joys and experiences. A new life and outlook has emerged, and it is interwoven with bits and pieces of my former life. I am thankful to have found myself again."
I will be okay.
The childish response to the letter that was my hearts brutal honesty seals the deal.
I made an effort. A hell of an effort.
Its time.
“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
– Helen Keller
human spirit is amazing — and the heartbreak almost always heals after a while. humans are adaptable.
I can't wait for this.
"I now avidly pursue the future as I welcome life’s unexpected joys and experiences. A new life and outlook has emerged, and it is interwoven with bits and pieces of my former life. I am thankful to have found myself again."
I will be okay.
The childish response to the letter that was my hearts brutal honesty seals the deal.
I made an effort. A hell of an effort.
Its time.
“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
– Helen Keller
"wakes up the next day, yells at me..."
Anxious.
So anxious.
So much of my heart has been poured onto those sheets of notebook.
I'm in the air writing this .... Dallas to austin.
Short 30 minute flight.
AG and MF on either side and I've never been so releived to be leaving the state.
I just wish I didn't have this following me.
But I'll be okay. Never better.
We all just reclined our seats at the same time.
Rocking our heads at our own headphones pace.
I sent the letter overnight.
Band of Horses just on repeat.
Hand cramps and heartaches.
Chewing gum and in flight lavatories.
sxsw here we come.
But saint patties day comes first.
I've got andys headphones on ... Le tigre -Deceptacon.
He keeps starting it over because it fucking rocks your face off hard at the beginning.
"We listened to the same song the whole time."
"That was not 30 minutes."
FUCK YES BRING IT ON AUSTIN.
So anxious.
So much of my heart has been poured onto those sheets of notebook.
I'm in the air writing this .... Dallas to austin.
Short 30 minute flight.
AG and MF on either side and I've never been so releived to be leaving the state.
I just wish I didn't have this following me.
But I'll be okay. Never better.
We all just reclined our seats at the same time.
Rocking our heads at our own headphones pace.
I sent the letter overnight.
Band of Horses just on repeat.
Hand cramps and heartaches.
Chewing gum and in flight lavatories.
sxsw here we come.
But saint patties day comes first.
I've got andys headphones on ... Le tigre -Deceptacon.
He keeps starting it over because it fucking rocks your face off hard at the beginning.
"We listened to the same song the whole time."
"That was not 30 minutes."
FUCK YES BRING IT ON AUSTIN.
spring.
"if sj was a flower, i'd give her water but not let her drown. just as i'd give her sunlight but not let her brown. i'd trim her sides and aide her growth, and i'd remove the weeds that restrict her most. you see, sj is a flower, with or without me. as a single rose she is content and happy. she will grow strong and tall regardless, but i'll give her all the love that my green thumb can harness. enjoy your day and keep your head high. you are one of a kind."
good thing no one was cuddling in the red zone with nick norton.
"Get in the right ass lane."
"I'm as right ass as it gets!"
AN/SP
"I think were on the brink of automatically recpricated water but I don't think the pillow can hold on." JK
"I'm from the future! Shits about to get really weird in '95." JK
"Are you doing it?" random.
"Are you making ramen?" JK
Week of drew has come and gone. She's sleeping and her flights at 6am tomorrow. I had a blast. She had a bunch of firsts this week!
Detroit
Ypsi
Reubens
Coney Dogs
Gumbo
Mac n Cheese
Dance Party
Indoor House Party
Sparks
Keg Beer ("I have only seen it in movies!")
8 mile road
Belle Isle
Elbow Room
Soumerset Mall
Buffalo Wild Wings
Briarwood
Classes at a US college
Pizza House
Banana Peppers
Aubrees / Sidetracks Burgers
Ann Arbor Ice Rink
Many more things. Its a blur. I'm broke, exhausted, and can't believe after this week I am going to texas. I am so excited and stressEd about everything I have to do before I leave.
Okaybye.
"I'm as right ass as it gets!"
AN/SP
"I think were on the brink of automatically recpricated water but I don't think the pillow can hold on." JK
"I'm from the future! Shits about to get really weird in '95." JK
"Are you doing it?" random.
"Are you making ramen?" JK
Week of drew has come and gone. She's sleeping and her flights at 6am tomorrow. I had a blast. She had a bunch of firsts this week!
Detroit
Ypsi
Reubens
Coney Dogs
Gumbo
Mac n Cheese
Dance Party
Indoor House Party
Sparks
Keg Beer ("I have only seen it in movies!")
8 mile road
Belle Isle
Elbow Room
Soumerset Mall
Buffalo Wild Wings
Briarwood
Classes at a US college
Pizza House
Banana Peppers
Aubrees / Sidetracks Burgers
Ann Arbor Ice Rink
Many more things. Its a blur. I'm broke, exhausted, and can't believe after this week I am going to texas. I am so excited and stressEd about everything I have to do before I leave.
Okaybye.
is it weird im blogging?
3:11am.
4 day bender.
Drove home from detroit today to shower and come back. Came out friday. Sunday is tomorrow and I pick up drew at "ten to eight" pm tomorrow!
Sp's kicking everyone but the home team out of the house.
Funk night last night was smoky, dark, drugged, and beautiful. I danced my face off and was wooed by RAs continous wash of new moves she dusted off the shelf. Hazy, warm, and cold is how that was. and is.
"That kids like cool but pretty weird kinda"
"Hecka strange you know what I'm sayin"
"I think I'm gonna leave."
"Sure."
People are still loitering, drunk girls who didn't plan a ride home, stragglers who aren't done drowning their sorrows, and drunk asses who don't know home from ham.
"Take it around the world you know what I'm sayin? A and A. Answas and Andswas."
"Dick ass dick"
"He's so tiny but I still want to play!"
"Yo pelvis is whack"
"Faygo fa Dayzo"
"You straight scannin'!"
I have soundbites, a few photos, "holy fuck mustache party, get hyfee (or how ever the fuck you spell it)", hilarious mental images, dance offs, and a fuckin' constand buzz and faded smile for a rad ass weekend.
"I'm callin it a night."
3:24 AM
4 day bender.
Drove home from detroit today to shower and come back. Came out friday. Sunday is tomorrow and I pick up drew at "ten to eight" pm tomorrow!
Sp's kicking everyone but the home team out of the house.
Funk night last night was smoky, dark, drugged, and beautiful. I danced my face off and was wooed by RAs continous wash of new moves she dusted off the shelf. Hazy, warm, and cold is how that was. and is.
"That kids like cool but pretty weird kinda"
"Hecka strange you know what I'm sayin"
"I think I'm gonna leave."
"Sure."
People are still loitering, drunk girls who didn't plan a ride home, stragglers who aren't done drowning their sorrows, and drunk asses who don't know home from ham.
"Take it around the world you know what I'm sayin? A and A. Answas and Andswas."
"Dick ass dick"
"He's so tiny but I still want to play!"
"Yo pelvis is whack"
"Faygo fa Dayzo"
"You straight scannin'!"
I have soundbites, a few photos, "holy fuck mustache party, get hyfee (or how ever the fuck you spell it)", hilarious mental images, dance offs, and a fuckin' constand buzz and faded smile for a rad ass weekend.
"I'm callin it a night."
3:24 AM
do you know
I really used to think that when tv shows said to be continued, the actors would stop then too and resume shooting the scene in the same outfits the next week.
I mean when I was little.
And I live in the same complex as people with 2 haunted cars. One is a red jeep wrangler that is always running with no one in it. Like at weird times. Like 4am when I just walked past it. And the other is a silver kia I have NEVER seen in a different parking spot. And one time it had a dead pidgeon on the trunk. And another time the trunk was just open for like 20 minutes while I was high talking on the phone.
Ya das fine.
I mean when I was little.
And I live in the same complex as people with 2 haunted cars. One is a red jeep wrangler that is always running with no one in it. Like at weird times. Like 4am when I just walked past it. And the other is a silver kia I have NEVER seen in a different parking spot. And one time it had a dead pidgeon on the trunk. And another time the trunk was just open for like 20 minutes while I was high talking on the phone.
Ya das fine.
do you want to drive to the ocean today?
Sure, okay.
Friday NM, SP, and I got into my car, ran various errands, smoked a lot, played hours of music, and drove 700 miles to virginia beach. We arrived at 4:30am and went straight to the beach. Touched the ocean. Drank a few beers, somve voddy drinks, and NM and I were handed a 'wutang' tab to split. We rolled, drew pictures, danced, and drank and went to bed at 8 am amd woke up at 1pm or so and SP made breakfast. NM and I took them too the beach and stood on a sandbar in the ocean and ate bacon and eggs with a beer.
The boys were struggling trying to find weed so we played a card game, watched the boys play horseshoes, and drank more for a little and we decided we wanted to go to the boulavard to do some shopping. We hit the thrift stores and the grocery store. After JK bbm-ed me a picture of what the streets looked like in West Bloomfield back in MI, NM and I found ugly ass sweaters to wear to the bar that night since we sure as hell were going to stay another evening. SP made salmon, chicken, and pasta for everyone. NM and I decided to shower so we continued drinking and hurried through a power shower drunk as hell already. The plan was to go to their dive bar and party up after dinner. ZW kind of split on us for a little and we were pretty mu too drunk to really take it personal. We arrived at the bar and as usual NM and I took about 3 hours to leave the car. We finally made it in, and ZW was still not there. And their version of a dive bar was 20 guys to every 1 girl. ZW finally arrives. He blew us off to blow other things. But whatever, we've all got addictions right? ... So bar night comes to an end after a lot of really drunk akwardness and too much personal space invasion, we head back to the house. More drinking and partying, and we got ditched 2 more times. and long story short... Cocaine is an evil drug and it breaks my heart to have seen it yet again first hand how it destroys peoples lives and relationships. The fact of the matter, no matter how much we love ZW, he had made it clear, he will always choose drugs over us. As fun as it was, there were a few red flags that really prepared me for the final scene of our night leaving VB, which we compared to the last scenes of 28 days later.
"you are a wild child that handles herself like a grown ass woman."
We left at 4:30am, SP stepped up and drove, nina and I woke up at 11 in ohio.
I had to pick my best friend up off the ground again. Lift her up and wipe the tears, snot, or vomit from her face. I love that girl more than anything. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and treated right. I'm not going to lie to her or cover up things to benifit a guy. She will do the exact same thing for me. There's someone out there that will love every single thing about her. And vice versa. There's someone out there for everyone.
I'm on spring break. I'm anxious and having trouble sleeping. A lot has happened in the past few days. I am trying to figure out what the hell "me time" is.
I want a puppy.
Ps.
Ill add some pictures to go with this trip description later.
Friday NM, SP, and I got into my car, ran various errands, smoked a lot, played hours of music, and drove 700 miles to virginia beach. We arrived at 4:30am and went straight to the beach. Touched the ocean. Drank a few beers, somve voddy drinks, and NM and I were handed a 'wutang' tab to split. We rolled, drew pictures, danced, and drank and went to bed at 8 am amd woke up at 1pm or so and SP made breakfast. NM and I took them too the beach and stood on a sandbar in the ocean and ate bacon and eggs with a beer.
The boys were struggling trying to find weed so we played a card game, watched the boys play horseshoes, and drank more for a little and we decided we wanted to go to the boulavard to do some shopping. We hit the thrift stores and the grocery store. After JK bbm-ed me a picture of what the streets looked like in West Bloomfield back in MI, NM and I found ugly ass sweaters to wear to the bar that night since we sure as hell were going to stay another evening. SP made salmon, chicken, and pasta for everyone. NM and I decided to shower so we continued drinking and hurried through a power shower drunk as hell already. The plan was to go to their dive bar and party up after dinner. ZW kind of split on us for a little and we were pretty mu too drunk to really take it personal. We arrived at the bar and as usual NM and I took about 3 hours to leave the car. We finally made it in, and ZW was still not there. And their version of a dive bar was 20 guys to every 1 girl. ZW finally arrives. He blew us off to blow other things. But whatever, we've all got addictions right? ... So bar night comes to an end after a lot of really drunk akwardness and too much personal space invasion, we head back to the house. More drinking and partying, and we got ditched 2 more times. and long story short... Cocaine is an evil drug and it breaks my heart to have seen it yet again first hand how it destroys peoples lives and relationships. The fact of the matter, no matter how much we love ZW, he had made it clear, he will always choose drugs over us. As fun as it was, there were a few red flags that really prepared me for the final scene of our night leaving VB, which we compared to the last scenes of 28 days later.
"you are a wild child that handles herself like a grown ass woman."
We left at 4:30am, SP stepped up and drove, nina and I woke up at 11 in ohio.
I had to pick my best friend up off the ground again. Lift her up and wipe the tears, snot, or vomit from her face. I love that girl more than anything. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and treated right. I'm not going to lie to her or cover up things to benifit a guy. She will do the exact same thing for me. There's someone out there that will love every single thing about her. And vice versa. There's someone out there for everyone.
I'm on spring break. I'm anxious and having trouble sleeping. A lot has happened in the past few days. I am trying to figure out what the hell "me time" is.
I want a puppy.
Ps.
Ill add some pictures to go with this trip description later.
"theres more to life
than love and being together.
you went away cause you said you couldn't love me. I went away because all I do is love you. I don't think that we have to be like this forever."
Your room. The time passed, then heat. Then sweat. Each layer, each wall, each fabric you peeled. Please don't make me another girl. I'm a sucker for you and I can't think straight.
you went away cause you said you couldn't love me. I went away because all I do is love you. I don't think that we have to be like this forever."
Your room. The time passed, then heat. Then sweat. Each layer, each wall, each fabric you peeled. Please don't make me another girl. I'm a sucker for you and I can't think straight.
real quick:
"In those situations I always say I'm hard to get and unsure and imply that it takes a lot of conversation to impress me. So they don't try and lip smack me unless I'm hammered and feel bored enough that's me though haha"
best friend advice.
Can I kick it? The days are long and I feel like they are packed... I wonder if they are. I still feel a little empty. Scarily, I'm not sure if I'm just glutonous and can't get enough and will never feel full.
Ok I just work to hard to find the flaw in what's surrounding and at points had me content and my hunger satisfied.
The sun shines. The clouds block the rays. The winds always blowing. Is it the sun I want? That I need? Or is it the moon?
best friend advice.
Can I kick it? The days are long and I feel like they are packed... I wonder if they are. I still feel a little empty. Scarily, I'm not sure if I'm just glutonous and can't get enough and will never feel full.
Ok I just work to hard to find the flaw in what's surrounding and at points had me content and my hunger satisfied.
The sun shines. The clouds block the rays. The winds always blowing. Is it the sun I want? That I need? Or is it the moon?
I BETCHA
don't know...
how are you supposed to breathe when you are falling from an airplane?
A. You don't have to, you breathe through your skin.
B. Short, tiny breaths.
C. Long, deep breaths.
"TODAY"
red ink, pink nails, severe anxiety, testing next class, earthquakes this class, head stuck in LA, heart stuck in yesterday, triangulation, looking for the next best thing, thirteen on my side, diamonds on my wrists, mustache on my finger, feather on my ankle, memory on my back, next to the monkey, and the chip on my shoulder, hangover from the love hangover, heart wearing off on my hand, at least its not on my sleeve, hard to read, read to me in bed, sing to me, take pictures of me, memorize me, commit to me, commit me to memories, just let me tell you, baby. (the answer to the question is a.)
SICK OF IT
SO, SO, SO, SO SICK OF IT.
it's not running away.
it's not ignoring.
it's not bitching.
it's being worth it.
it's being appreciated.
it's being respected.
it's being a friend.
it's meaning what you say.
it's doing what you mean.
all the time.
not part time.
treat me how you want to be treated.
I thought we all knew this by now?
I would love to know
How I could have POSSIBLY slept in this morning and been 30 minutes late for my class...
at least I wasn't splashed by a car driving through a huge puddle like poor RA this morning. :(
As usual I have been having very weird dreams. I dreamt my coat had a hole in the back of it a few days ago and I have been wearing it and remember about the hole and being careful what I do with my arms as to not make it bigger. then last night I remembered it again while it was off of me, and I inspected for the hole to see if it was fixable... and there was no hole at all. I went over all the seams... all the lining, sleeves... everything. Very weird.
Hoping to see CD this evening... it's been years? We'll see.
Big weekend coming...
I'm not sure if I am ready.
BUT...
I don't really have a choice do I?
LETS GO
"Recurring dreams
And how I just can't sleep
Unless I've had a drink or five
Oh these feelings
I don't know if you've been there
I don't think I can go there again
yeah these feelings
I don't know if you've been there
But I don't think I can go there again
I down this bottle of wine
I don't know how to feel but
I don't mind the buzz"
"I shoulda said five, six, you a fly ass bitch."
"One, two, I'm thinking of you, three, four, your back is sore, five, six, hope you like this, seven, eight, spring is great, nine, ten, I'll make pancakes my friend!"
Lucifer VII is on shuffle on my speaker dock, sliding door wide open, finally getting this project started I've been thinking about for weeks with a nice breeze at my desk.
I really needed something to do with my hands.
I wonder when my neighbors will come pounding on my door to complain about the noise... good thing I can't hear it even if they do.
Lucifer VII is on shuffle on my speaker dock, sliding door wide open, finally getting this project started I've been thinking about for weeks with a nice breeze at my desk.
I really needed something to do with my hands.
I wonder when my neighbors will come pounding on my door to complain about the noise... good thing I can't hear it even if they do.
15 hours
Of my life were just spent sleeping.
The rest of the world was enjoying another warmish day. I have my sliding door open in my room and was lulled in and our of dreams by traffic sounds and the noise of tires driving on wet cement.
Wild dreams all day but I was too tired to write them down.
Maybe it was fajita fest at AG's and smoking lots with him and JT that knocked me out. Whatever it was, I'm not even mad, I must have needed it.
So goodmorning/evening I am going to play volleyball... And probably be awake for the next 3 days.
I'm excited for tomorrow being my last day of my school week, thursday being SIM's show imma merch with my sister maybe NM, birthday fest at smellbow after, friday maybe detroit to SP's for another birthday jam, saturday toronto with SB and KK. Good things.
Austin, TX so soon.
The rest of the world was enjoying another warmish day. I have my sliding door open in my room and was lulled in and our of dreams by traffic sounds and the noise of tires driving on wet cement.
Wild dreams all day but I was too tired to write them down.
Maybe it was fajita fest at AG's and smoking lots with him and JT that knocked me out. Whatever it was, I'm not even mad, I must have needed it.
So goodmorning/evening I am going to play volleyball... And probably be awake for the next 3 days.
I'm excited for tomorrow being my last day of my school week, thursday being SIM's show imma merch with my sister maybe NM, birthday fest at smellbow after, friday maybe detroit to SP's for another birthday jam, saturday toronto with SB and KK. Good things.
Austin, TX so soon.
do I have
to spell it out for you?
or scream it in your face?
the chemistry between us could destroy this place.
I got many things accomplished today.
my back is in raging pain... But ill see a doctor on tuesday finally to figure it out and get me off these pills so I can begin using them recreationally.
dinner at the blue tractor with JF and DM should put the smile back on my face since i had to stay inside all fucking day on Michigan's surprise nice day.
after that, I have a date with craig's list.
hes like a bone stick.
We are all in a state of constant departure.
Without ever reaching an arrival.
Warm day in february. Defrosts the ice we were slipping on all night. A rough night. Ended up driving to detroit at 5 am with NM. Porky the pig, peach blunts, and a mini vacation.
I'm frusterated. I gave you chances. So many. And each one was trashed worse than the last. I keep saying it will be the last time. It positively has to be now. You know what I'm all about, I layed my cards.
I won't take it to personal.
JC's first show with SIM tonight. Ill be sittin at the merch table. I hope there's a bar.
Without ever reaching an arrival.
Warm day in february. Defrosts the ice we were slipping on all night. A rough night. Ended up driving to detroit at 5 am with NM. Porky the pig, peach blunts, and a mini vacation.
I'm frusterated. I gave you chances. So many. And each one was trashed worse than the last. I keep saying it will be the last time. It positively has to be now. You know what I'm all about, I layed my cards.
I won't take it to personal.
JC's first show with SIM tonight. Ill be sittin at the merch table. I hope there's a bar.
i forgot
"You know it kills me to see such a pretty girl so tired
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me, like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry or a fuckin' fit of honesty
I'll do my best to keep you, keep you sleepy as the south
With my old watch on your wrist and my thumbs inside your mouth
Suck on my fingertips until' you kill all my prints
So your boyfriend has no clue of how much I've been touching you
My problem with me is my problem with you
It doesn't take much for me to come unglued
I put my headphones on and hear your favorite songs
And it kills me to know that this won't be one of them
You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it, this has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you, faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up, like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down
I don't care where you move, I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are
In case our timing is right, in case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice or a tongue full of sympathy."
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me, like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry or a fuckin' fit of honesty
I'll do my best to keep you, keep you sleepy as the south
With my old watch on your wrist and my thumbs inside your mouth
Suck on my fingertips until' you kill all my prints
So your boyfriend has no clue of how much I've been touching you
My problem with me is my problem with you
It doesn't take much for me to come unglued
I put my headphones on and hear your favorite songs
And it kills me to know that this won't be one of them
You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it, this has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you, faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up, like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down
I don't care where you move, I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are
In case our timing is right, in case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice or a tongue full of sympathy."
how long is too long?
How long does it take to build the dam to block this? I told RA it feels like I'm building with jenga blocks instead of mortor, bricks, cement, and glue. Someone, somethings, sometimes, somemoments happen in my normal routine and the blocks get strategically pulled out to the point I'm practically a fountian show, but I'm still standing. Why does the tower fall every day still? Why do I still wonder. Why does this always hurt so bad when I'm all alone? Before I sleep a night of tossing and turning waking up crying. I wish I could stay awake forever. I tried. I'll sleep when my body makes me.
sleeps for when you are tierd?
yeah well, I came home form work, awake for 27 hours, and fell asleep at my kitchen table on my arm. woke up, and I barely remember this, just the pain in my shoulder from sleeping on it, trudged to my room, and fell asleep, lights on, clothes, shoes, and scarf on, on top of my blankets. My phone was going nuts, I seem to have sleep answered a few, and I slept through my class this morning.after a short message to my professor, waking up J when I cursed realizing the time, and C sleeping on the couch, I decided to put together the large format camera I checked out from my school. it's beautiful. I'm hoping to take some photos of MA's back tattoos, and basically his body suit. It's funny because I'm putting so much thought into it because I only have 4 chances, since I only loaded 4 film holders at school. I hope they turn out great.
I pick up AG from the airport, he's been drinking in NY for the past few days and I assume we will be drinking more upon his return. Good thing I have to work at 8 am tomorrow morning.
BACK IN THE GRIND
gotta make it to spring.
my bones are screaming.
gotta make it to spring.
my bones are screaming.
here's to
being in college and pulling all nighters.
nothing like a 5 am shower and being able to catch transformers on tv.
and still not being confident you're prepared for a test.
sleeps for when you're tierd.
RK:
Hey, Hot Stuff,
Can't wait til you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it's soon. You're way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I'm out here waiting.
-Your Future
Can't wait til you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it's soon. You're way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I'm out here waiting.
-Your Future
sister said to a her sister one time:
SJ: I want to forget I ever loved.
AJ: well you can't so you might as well just find bigger and better love. Might take a long time but J wasn't your one shot at happiness. You're beautiful and smart so smart and you have a way of making everyone around you feel special and lucky. It's really sad you and J didn't work out, but you're one of those people meant for great love. you deserve it and you'll find it. Meanwhile I big love you more than ANYTHING and for ALWAYS.
pulled all directions.
Its weird when things just hit you. Things you never thought about all at the same time.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago where I'd be now... I'd have no idea.
But I'm here now... I'm still not sure If I have an idea.
I went to the bar to drop something off and I hadn't planned on staying but I ran into NB. it really hit me that he is leaving for the army. I can't believe it. I've been trying to pretend like it wasn't really going to happen. He's one of my dearest, oldest friends. His mom and aunt were there, and his mom flew in from california and I haven't seen either of them in a long time. His mom since we were taking bong hits and playing n64 in the basement at his aunt's house where he used to live down the street from me. I was a barely senior in high school. I can still see me, his brother and mom fresh in from cali, his aunt and him all sitting laughing, taking pictures and bullshitting. We had gone out to dinner and his mom was sneaking me gingerbread martinis and his aunt was wearing the "I'm not a lonely spinster, I'm a happy lesbian" pin I had bough her to wear. I kept having to stand alone so I wouldn't get my tears noticed. it was really hard. It will be really hard. But I believe in him. I have to.
Standing drunk and alone thinking in flashes and scenes, I noticed how many directions people are trying to pull me. I am too strong to let myself do these things. I know what I want. I can't keep letting myself get walked all over. I don't owe any single person anything but to myself and that's to be happy. I'm sick of crying over people. I'm empathetic and I worry and I care. I'm sick of feeling unappreciated. I'm sick of looking out for their feelings when no ones looking out for mine. before I had gone out I had a break down and cried in the shower and needed to talk to someone who would set me straight last night and thankfully the right person lent me her ear and really said what I needed.
RA: S, J is gone. Its over. It doesn't matter how he remembers you last, hell only remember what he wants. Its completely out of your control.
SJ: I want to believe that I feel like I can't.
RA: Then you're going to keep breaking down. And no one can help you until you help you.
SJ: I don't want to let him go...
RA: Well then expect to keep crying and not having strength and not being happy. I don't mean that bad but its the truth and you're in denial and you know that. People are going to keep telling you the same thing over and over but if you aren't believing it and turning yourself around its all pointless. You are trying to be optimistic about something that will never take place and is dead. Which means your putting your energies into literally nothing. If you don't expand on something that will grow then expect what your doing now to continue.
I need growth. And to be happy alone before I can ever be happy with any man.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago where I'd be now... I'd have no idea.
But I'm here now... I'm still not sure If I have an idea.
I went to the bar to drop something off and I hadn't planned on staying but I ran into NB. it really hit me that he is leaving for the army. I can't believe it. I've been trying to pretend like it wasn't really going to happen. He's one of my dearest, oldest friends. His mom and aunt were there, and his mom flew in from california and I haven't seen either of them in a long time. His mom since we were taking bong hits and playing n64 in the basement at his aunt's house where he used to live down the street from me. I was a barely senior in high school. I can still see me, his brother and mom fresh in from cali, his aunt and him all sitting laughing, taking pictures and bullshitting. We had gone out to dinner and his mom was sneaking me gingerbread martinis and his aunt was wearing the "I'm not a lonely spinster, I'm a happy lesbian" pin I had bough her to wear. I kept having to stand alone so I wouldn't get my tears noticed. it was really hard. It will be really hard. But I believe in him. I have to.
Standing drunk and alone thinking in flashes and scenes, I noticed how many directions people are trying to pull me. I am too strong to let myself do these things. I know what I want. I can't keep letting myself get walked all over. I don't owe any single person anything but to myself and that's to be happy. I'm sick of crying over people. I'm empathetic and I worry and I care. I'm sick of feeling unappreciated. I'm sick of looking out for their feelings when no ones looking out for mine. before I had gone out I had a break down and cried in the shower and needed to talk to someone who would set me straight last night and thankfully the right person lent me her ear and really said what I needed.
RA: S, J is gone. Its over. It doesn't matter how he remembers you last, hell only remember what he wants. Its completely out of your control.
SJ: I want to believe that I feel like I can't.
RA: Then you're going to keep breaking down. And no one can help you until you help you.
SJ: I don't want to let him go...
RA: Well then expect to keep crying and not having strength and not being happy. I don't mean that bad but its the truth and you're in denial and you know that. People are going to keep telling you the same thing over and over but if you aren't believing it and turning yourself around its all pointless. You are trying to be optimistic about something that will never take place and is dead. Which means your putting your energies into literally nothing. If you don't expand on something that will grow then expect what your doing now to continue.
I need growth. And to be happy alone before I can ever be happy with any man.
I always was happier alone.
I have to find myself again from wherever I lost myself.
I have to find myself again from wherever I lost myself.
I can say this right now, I know this is fact, I have said it before.
it's the whole fact of doing and believing and staying.
I got to see PD while he was back from oregon. In the short time he really supported my plans for moving without even saying it. Just hearing someone else doing exactly what I want to be doing and someone that's happy and making it. I am thrilled for him.
August?
Positivity.
NM: we got this girl. Ne mf day
it's the whole fact of doing and believing and staying.
I got to see PD while he was back from oregon. In the short time he really supported my plans for moving without even saying it. Just hearing someone else doing exactly what I want to be doing and someone that's happy and making it. I am thrilled for him.
August?
Positivity.
NM: we got this girl. Ne mf day
its sooo cold.
Michigan gets colder every single winter I swear. I don't remember having any problems being cold thrown out in a snowsuit and locked out of my house for hours at a time when I was little.
JC, KT, and I killed 4 hours at the mall waiting to have the fucks at the genius bar to just look at lucifer VI and give me lucifer VII. I hate ipods. but I love luci.
I sat at Brookstone in the massage chair and feet in the massage boots. Forever in one seat and then swapped with KT and switched for another 20 minutes. 2 different associates tried to give us the run down on the equipment, like I have the money for a 500$ foot massager. I made conversation with the stranger next to me and he told me how he comes to sit there in the chairs "regularly."
I bought groceries also for the first time in ages. It was weird. I only bought things I like. and that I could make. I also decided that there should be grocery stores for single people.
Half heads of lettuce.
2 romaine hearts.
Half a melon.
Half siZe of bagles.
One chicken breast.
Mini slabs of ribs.
No one cares of you're buying groceries for one.
JC, KT, and I killed 4 hours at the mall waiting to have the fucks at the genius bar to just look at lucifer VI and give me lucifer VII. I hate ipods. but I love luci.
I sat at Brookstone in the massage chair and feet in the massage boots. Forever in one seat and then swapped with KT and switched for another 20 minutes. 2 different associates tried to give us the run down on the equipment, like I have the money for a 500$ foot massager. I made conversation with the stranger next to me and he told me how he comes to sit there in the chairs "regularly."
I bought groceries also for the first time in ages. It was weird. I only bought things I like. and that I could make. I also decided that there should be grocery stores for single people.
Half heads of lettuce.
2 romaine hearts.
Half a melon.
Half siZe of bagles.
One chicken breast.
Mini slabs of ribs.
No one cares of you're buying groceries for one.
excuse me while i puke up jameson and eat disgusting abe's coney.
Did I really stay up all night?
Yes.
"You're okay, you're alive, and we all love you more than anything."
This winter is so hard. Its horrible to see your best friends heartbroken and crying. RB's breakup, SB's dad, my break up, JC's seperations, JC's grandpa passing, my ma going to the hospital, KK's breakup, my sisters breakup, NM's boy beef, HM leaving. But we are all learning together. And I've been low as hell a lot the past few months. But were making it. Were all going to be okay.
R yakkin in the toilet, me and K sitting on the floor drunk and faded talking about how this is so typical, just rotating positions.
"At least one of us isn't crying at this point."
"Hey, if you find your dignity, will you double check for mine? I think mines with yours."
I get it. N I will always get it. And you know.
"Hey come be the meat to our buns! Wait that sounds gross but really me and S want you to be in between us. In a gross way."
And KT "why the FUCK isn't he answering!? Its 11 am there. What is he DOING?"
As soon as I get off work I'm going to sleep forever.
Yes.
"You're okay, you're alive, and we all love you more than anything."
This winter is so hard. Its horrible to see your best friends heartbroken and crying. RB's breakup, SB's dad, my break up, JC's seperations, JC's grandpa passing, my ma going to the hospital, KK's breakup, my sisters breakup, NM's boy beef, HM leaving. But we are all learning together. And I've been low as hell a lot the past few months. But were making it. Were all going to be okay.
R yakkin in the toilet, me and K sitting on the floor drunk and faded talking about how this is so typical, just rotating positions.
"At least one of us isn't crying at this point."
"Hey, if you find your dignity, will you double check for mine? I think mines with yours."
I get it. N I will always get it. And you know.
"Hey come be the meat to our buns! Wait that sounds gross but really me and S want you to be in between us. In a gross way."
And KT "why the FUCK isn't he answering!? Its 11 am there. What is he DOING?"
As soon as I get off work I'm going to sleep forever.
OH (WO)MAN
one of these days I just might die laughing.
my luck turned last night.
it's looking really good...
but turned luck always does, doesn't it.
but turned luck always does, doesn't it.
listen to City Calm Down by Architecture in Helsinki.
and smoke a j and say helsinki.
and wasp.
and moth.
and fructose oven.
and rotunda road.
all nice things.
listen.
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" was his response.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
let's
learn to feel again.
8:47 pm // sj- I wish every day that my journal could write back to me. Is it okay to staple pages closed?
8:48pm // ar- okay to staple. not to glue.
8:50 pm // sj- I broke my rule and ripped out some pages. I put them in a box under my bed. they are in the dark next to the faces and the memories I can't read or see in the light anymore.
9:40 // ar- keep them safe. don't throw them away. each page makes you who you are today.
gust.
"I gotta move,
While the streets ahead are sunny
Fall in love with some honey.
Oohh mama, I gotta move.
I just can't sit still,
In this small town,
There's nothin more here I hit the ceiling,
So in the morning I'll hit the highway.
Ooohh, I just can't stay
Its time I broke out into the open,
You know I'll settle down again some day,
I need some new land, and form a rock band.
Oohh, I just can't stay. "
ME.
"I ain't looking to compete with you, beat, or cheat,
or mistreat you, simplify you, classify you, deny, defy,
or crucify you. All I really want to do is, baby, be friends with you."
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
I want people to love me for me.
I don't want to have to watch what I say.
I want you to finish my sentence, instead.
I don't want to worry about you but I like to be worried about.
I want my space, but I want to be smothered with affection.
I want the chase but don't be too hard to get.
I want you to text me when I am thinking about texting you.
I would like you to make plans instead of asking if I wanna.
I like surprises, but not when I have to wait to get them.
if you're out there....
the more I write, the more I think there isn't a single person who could be that good.
?
ergh
I like lots of things...
but you probably aren't one of them.
or mistreat you, simplify you, classify you, deny, defy,
or crucify you. All I really want to do is, baby, be friends with you."
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
I want people to love me for me.
I don't want to have to watch what I say.
I want you to finish my sentence, instead.
I don't want to worry about you but I like to be worried about.
I want my space, but I want to be smothered with affection.
I want the chase but don't be too hard to get.
I want you to text me when I am thinking about texting you.
I would like you to make plans instead of asking if I wanna.
I like surprises, but not when I have to wait to get them.
if you're out there....
the more I write, the more I think there isn't a single person who could be that good.
?
ergh
I like lots of things...
but you probably aren't one of them.
burn baby burn.
"I'm an adult with adult desires.
let's compliment each other like forests and fires."
babies.
we scrape nickles and dimes from the bottom of our purses just to get by.
we tip 30% then drive home on empty.
we skip food and buy clothes or weed instead.
we drink paychecks away in the elbow room.
we drink paychecks away in the elbow room.
we talk about our hearts till we are blue in the face.
we've seen everyone at their breaking point,
and been next to them to help put them back together.
we want to go together, sing together, and leave together.
we hug goodbye.
we hug hello.
we don't like strangers. unless they are cute.
we all make the same mistakes.
I quit smoking, and suddenly I can pay all my bills now.
but I want to keep smoking.
what else am I going to do on trips in the car to nowhere.
we sleep little because we don't want to miss a thing.
and drink too much coffee just because it keeps our hands warm.
we wait..... for two long.
anything outside of ypsi done together feels like a vacation.
anything outside of ypsi done together feels like a vacation.
winter blues make friends need to help friends from getting stuck under that avalanche.
we live for the nights that make us wish we were dead the day after.
we don't drink to forget ex-boyfriends, or we shouldn't,
we drink to remember we have good friends.
this winter is going to end.
we live for the nights that make us wish we were dead the day after.
we don't drink to forget ex-boyfriends, or we shouldn't,
we drink to remember we have good friends.
this winter is going to end.
I promise.
I promise, babies.
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