its sooo cold.

Michigan gets colder every single winter I swear. I don't remember having any problems being cold thrown out in a snowsuit and locked out of my house for hours at a time when I was little.

JC, KT, and I killed 4 hours at the mall waiting to have the fucks at the genius bar to just look at lucifer VI and give me lucifer VII. I hate ipods. but I love luci.

I sat at Brookstone in the massage chair and feet in the massage boots. Forever in one seat and then swapped with KT and switched for another 20 minutes. 2 different associates tried to give us the run down on the equipment, like I have the money for a 500$ foot massager. I made conversation with the stranger next to me and he told me how he comes to sit there in the chairs "regularly."

I bought groceries also for the first time in ages. It was weird. I only bought things I like. and that I could make. I also decided that there should be grocery stores for single people.

Half heads of lettuce.
2 romaine hearts.
Half a melon.
Half siZe of bagles.
One chicken breast.
Mini slabs of ribs.

No one cares of you're buying groceries for one.

excuse me while i puke up jameson and eat disgusting abe's coney.

Did I really stay up all night?
Yes.

"You're okay, you're alive, and we all love you more than anything."

This winter is so hard. Its horrible to see your best friends heartbroken and crying. RB's breakup, SB's dad, my break up, JC's seperations, JC's grandpa passing, my ma going to the hospital, KK's breakup, my sisters breakup, NM's boy beef, HM leaving. But we are all learning together. And I've been low as hell a lot the past few months. But were making it. Were all going to be okay.

R yakkin in the toilet, me and K sitting on the floor drunk and faded talking about how this is so typical, just rotating positions.

"At least one of us isn't crying at this point."

"Hey, if you find your dignity, will you double check for mine? I think mines with yours."



I get it. N I will always get it. And you know.

"Hey come be the meat to our buns! Wait that sounds gross but really me and S want you to be in between us. In a gross way."
And KT "why the FUCK isn't he answering!? Its 11 am there. What is he DOING?"

As soon as I get off work I'm going to sleep forever.

OH (WO)MAN

one of these days I just might die laughing.

my luck turned last night.

it's looking really good...
but turned luck always does, doesn't it.

listen to City Calm Down by Architecture in Helsinki.

and smoke a j and say helsinki.

and wasp.

and moth.

and fructose oven.

and rotunda road.

all nice things.

listen.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" was his response.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

let's

learn to feel again.

8:47 pm // sj- I wish every day that my journal could write back to me. Is it okay to staple pages closed?

8:48pm // ar- okay to staple. not to glue.

8:50 pm // sj- I broke my rule and ripped out some pages. I put them in a box under my bed. they are in the dark next to the faces and the memories I can't read or see in the light anymore.

9:40 // ar- keep them safe. don't throw them away. each page makes you who you are today.

gust.

"I gotta move, 

While the streets ahead are sunny 

Fall in love with some honey. 

Oohh mama, I gotta move. 

I just can't sit still, 

In this small town, 

There's nothin more here I hit the ceiling, 

So in the morning I'll hit the highway. 

Ooohh, I just can't stay 

Its time I broke out into the open, 

You know I'll settle down again some day, 

I need some new land, and form a rock band. 

Oohh, I just can't stay. "

ME.

"I ain't looking to compete with you, beat, or cheat,
or mistreat you, simplify you, classify you, deny, defy,
or crucify you. All I really want to do is, baby, be friends with you."

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
I want people to love me for me.
I don't want to have to watch what I say.
I want you to finish my sentence, instead.
I don't want to worry about you but I like to be worried about.
I want my space, but I want to be smothered with affection.
I want the chase but don't be too hard to get.
I want you to text me when I am thinking about texting you.
I would like you to make plans instead of asking if I wanna.
I like surprises, but not when I have to wait to get them.
if you're out there....
the more I write, the more I think there isn't a single person who could be that good.

?
ergh
I like lots of things...
but you probably aren't one of them.

burn baby burn.

"I'm an adult with adult desires. 

let's compliment each other like forests and fires."

babies.

we scrape nickles and dimes from the bottom of our purses just to get by.

we tip 30% then drive home on empty.

we skip food and buy clothes or weed instead.
we drink paychecks away in the elbow room.

we talk about our hearts till we are blue in the face.

we've seen everyone at their breaking point,

and been next to them to help put them back together.

we want to go together, sing together, and leave together.

we hug goodbye.

we hug hello.

we don't like strangers. unless they are cute.

we all make the same mistakes.

I quit smoking, and suddenly I can pay all my bills now.

but I want to keep smoking.

what else am I going to do on trips in the car to nowhere.

we sleep little because we don't want to miss a thing.

and drink too much coffee just because it keeps our hands warm.

we wait..... for two long.
anything outside of ypsi done together feels like a vacation.

winter blues make friends need to help friends from getting stuck under that avalanche. 
we live for the nights that make us wish we were dead the day after.
we don't drink to forget ex-boyfriends, or we shouldn't,
we drink to remember we have good friends.
this winter is going to end.

I promise.

I promise, babies.

grrr.

my shit list is steadily increasing. but don't worry! you're still number 1.

january ? toronto

I can't decide if this is heaven or hell.
The walls keep closing in and we're running out of space,
but you're pretty cute.

names i like for my future children.

I know I can't wait to have children.
I always have wanted to be a mommy.
I always wished I could talk to animals or even just one kind of animal like a horse whisperer. I seem to have lucked out and and I'm able talk to babies and toddlers. I'm a magnet. When I pick up the kids form daycare, I wait by the toddler playpen and they all crawl across it to reach towards me and smile at me. i love it.

this is me planning ahead: but I've got a lot of time to think about it.

HEATH
miles
max
leo
serena
kennedy
dawson
apolis/apalis
bennet
marshall
ava
sophia
hayden
isabelle
aidan
ethan
madison
olivia

peptalk.

nm: I honestly want to fall in love so many more times before I decide that's it
nm: I want more heartbreak.. I want to know everything I don't want and can't have before I pick the one
nm: You can do this

sj: I know I can, it's so hard to really see that and believe that right now.
nm: You are a brillant human being.
nm: And I thought that about you before, during, and always will even after J.

4 AM RAMBLE

semi-formulated feelings.
unexpressable needs.
jealousy holds love's hand
in a vice-like grip.
every bone broken in seperation.
my hands are broken.
what's left of them are yours to hold.
be gentle though.
I swear I'll intertwine my fingers around yours honestly.
my cameras broken.
or I'd take pictures of my fingerprints so you can put them all over you.

i still don't have my class schedule right.

hallway sitting.

all alone in silence.
screaming in my head.

writhing in my body.
wishing someone could hear me. see me.
body to the cold lenolium.
halls of white everlasting.
twisting & turning.
rat in its maze looking for the prize.
no prize in sight, just failure's scent in the air.

here comes my professor.

cat scratch fever

beware of logic. it is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.

so this is the new year.

"You can't find nothin at all is there was nothin there to start."

"You touch her skin & then you think: yeah she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."